A New Year

Today is New Year's Eve 2011. When I was a kid/teen this day literally caused me anxiety, excitement, anticipation and upset all at the same time. I used to believe in New Year's Resolutions, and that "this year would be different". Praise God that over the years He has removed that anxiety from my life and helped me realize that we can and should be better, do better, and live better everyday and not just resolve to do so on December 31st.

This does not mean I am even CLOSE to having it all together or that I don't need to "eat better", "lose weight", "exercise more" or "spend more time with family" as I think 90% of Canadians probably hope for each new year...I understand that these are good and honourable goals. But if I sit down on December 31st and promise myself these things, and next week after a long day of Kindergarten I just don't want to work out and I would rather eat a chocolate bar and watch TV, would that mean my resolution is vetoed? Probably not, but it still makes me feel like a failure. So I think my *main* resolution this year is not any large promise to myself, but a series of 365 little promises. I would like to try to wake up everyday with a goal or "resolution", and by the end of that day I would hope to have achieved all or part of that goal.

At the end of our Christmas visit to my family in Nova Scotia this past Wednesday, I was totally sticken with sadness. Not just the regular "I miss my parents and province" sadness, but I felt so hopeless and so angry and so discontent all at once. I was mad that I had to go back to Saskatchewan, and mad that I can't watch my neice and nephew grow and become cuter by the day, and sad that I didn't have my mom to walk with me as we face this unknown infertilitty, and frustrated that we were leaving everyone behind just for a job in Saskatchewn...a job?!  But then over the past few days, my ever-patient, ever-loving Lord spoke truth into my life and reminded me that my life is not for me, it is for Him. He gave me this life and He can take it away. I am 99% sure that Devin is supposed to be in the RCMP and I am supposed to be in this Kindergarten job for now, and we are supposed to be in this friendly, lovely little community in Gravelbourg. The hopeless discontent has lifted, and feelings of  joy and peace has taken over.

I don't feel the need to make an official resolution for 2012, but I do have goals and hopes. I most definitely want to draw nearer to God and resist the Devil and flee from the temptation to be discontent and unhappy with my most blessed and wonderful life.

Some of my hopes for 2012:
1. I hope to become a mother, whether through natural birth or adoption.
2. I hope to receive even more peace from God about everything: infertility, marriage, where we live, jobs, money etc.
3. I hope to be healthier by the end of the year. I would truly like to do more vigorous excercise and learn how to make new and healthier recipes, and get enough sleep, and lose some weight.
4. I hope to improve my "friendship skills" by being more hospitable and being the first to call or write, rather than wait for others to do so.
5. I hope to find joy in teaching Kindergarten, and that joy will overflow into the effort I put into my job.

There are more, but I think I'll leave it at this. I plan to wake up each morning this year and ask God to reveal Himself and His plan for me that day, and surrender it all to Him.

If you're reading this, I wish you a happy and blessed year to come. I pray that you find yourself in a closer relationship with God at the end of this year, and if you don't know Him yet, that you will find the joy and peace that comes with knowing and serving Him. A relationship with God is a priceless gift that makes life worth living.

God Bless you and Happy 2012.

Holly

Snowflake Blessings

So tonight I came home from a local musical Christmas concert and was standing out on my back step after I put the dog outside. I noticed how beautifully the snow was falling. I LOVE when it falls so gently and silently, with not a breath of wind...but that's not what I was in awe about. I had this random thought pop in my head that I truly didn't know whether or not snowflakes were actually shaped like the "typical snowflake" decorations, stamps and paper cut-outs I see.  So I tried to catch some flakes on my coat sleeve, and was honest-to-goodness shocked and overjoyed that these snowflakes are not just shapeless lumps of frozen water, each one that fell on my sleeve was SO unique and defined and beautiful! I have lived over 25 years, and I truly am a "stop and smell the roses" kind of person, and I have never noticed this before. I feel a bit ridiculous, but I also feel so blessed.

The connection I'm about to make might seem like a leap, but at the time, when I was standing outside in all of that beauty, it took me about 10 seconds to feel it--overwhelmed with gratitude and a feeling of being greatly blessed. My precious God, in His wonderful masterpiece called Creation, decided that snowflakes would be intricate, detailed, stunningly beautiful creations. Billions and billions of these--not one the same.  So I got to thinking about how He uses something as simple as a discovery of snowflakes to point back to Him, to remind me He is still there. Even though I was crying out to Him just days before, yelling at Him to say something, or do something(!!!) He was there all along, speaking in a silent, gentle whisper, waiting for me to look up.

All this time I thought snowflakes were just ``pretty``...now I look at them falling on me and I imagine the countless blessings ``falling on me`` from God. Sometimes God seems so quiet, and I fail to notice the infinite ways I`ve been blessed, and the many ways He uses people, creation, moments to speak to me. He used something as simple as snowflakes, and I am so thankful. These are my snowflake blessings.

Results are in

So I just got back from the doctor. She told me the results of my bloodwork. The results show that everything is good. My hormones, liver, kidney, bloodsugar, etc. are all normal and fine. Honestly, I was quite surprised, I didn't think it would *all* be good. So, aside from the unknown cyst on my ovary, I've checked out alright. The next step is going to a gynecologist to possibly do a dye test to ensure there is no blockages in my fallopian tubes.

I feel good after leaving the Dr.'s office today. She made me feel at ease, and gave me confidence that maybe there's nothing so "bad" going on inside. There's still a lot of hope that it's just a timing thing, that God is up to something, and it's always something good.

Meeting the Social Worker

On Monday (Dec. 5th to be exact), Devin and I went to Moose Jaw. Part 1 of the day involved going to the hospital to have Devin tested. Part 2 was us going to Social Services and meeting with the social worker we will be dealing with through the adoption process. We were in her office for nearly 3 hours going over the details of our application and what we "did and did not want" in a child. It was quite difficult, challenging and painful. She told us some of the sickening, disheartening stories of her job and it made me want to A- protect and love all of these poor babies she was talking about and B- kick some serious butt of the parents or family members who did not appreciate and love the little gems in their care.  We came out of that meeting with a better sense of the reality of adoption.  Now our application has been sent to CARR (I think) and it should take a week or a few weeks to hear if we have been "released". I guess to be released means we are accepted to continue on in the process and get the PRIDE training and homestudy done. PRIDE is a 9-weekend, 27 hour training program for adoptive or foster parents. I'm sure it is going to be very useful and helpful, but it saddens me that it make the process that much longer, and also Devin is JUST getting back to work, which means back to weekend work, so how we will get 9 weekends off, I do not know.
I'm still excited to see how this is all going to turn out, and see what God is up to, but it easily becomes daunting and sort of scary if we let it. I need to do a little more praying and a little less worrying.

Tests, ultrasounds and social workers, oh my!

This has been a busy week of school, Dr.'s. tests and ultrasounds. I had bloodwork done on Friday, and somehow managed to stay concious. On Tuesday I had an ultrasound, and somehow managed to hold my very full bladder for 2 hours! The ultrasound didn't tell too many tales, except that I have a cyst on one of my ovaries. The Doc said they're really very common and often come and go without anyone knowing, but because it's slightly large, I have to go for another ultrasound in February to see if it's going away or causing any problems.
Devin will be having some tests done this week in Moose Jaw, and that very same day we will drive to the other side of town to meet with our adoption social worker to discuss our application. I'm really excited to "get the ball rolling". I don't feel that God is saying "hold on"; I think we still have His permission and blessing to go on with both processes and trust that He's figuring it all out for us.