God sweats the small stuff

I hear people say this a lot, and I'm sure I have too, that sometimes we don't think we should pray for "small stuff" because God has enough to take care of, and our "small problems" are nothing compared to the world's larger ones. Well, God is Almighty, Omnipotent, Omnipresent and All Good...He can do anything He wants and He has no problem listening to our heart's woes no matter how small we think they are. It's such a relief!

This past week my sweet dog, Rudy, was literally "sick as a dog". She started vomiting in the middle of the night, and did so probably every 30 minutes for the next 24 hours. She couldn't even keep a drop of water down, she was lifeless, she was starting to shake with what I assume was a fever. My sweet, vibrant pup was acting like a dying old dog. After a sleepless night with her and a busy week working at VBS, my emotions were getting to me and I was genuinely starting to worry. The VBS theme was "everything is possible with God", and we reminded the kids that no matter what, they can trust God. Even though that message was for the kids, it reminded me to do the same.

Around 6:30 Rudy vomited again, she immediately drank water because she was so dehydrated. So even though I felt slightly silly, I put my hands on her and I pleaded for God to let this water stay down and rehydrate her body. Well, she fell asleep on me for 3 solid hours and didn`t get up once to vomit. Every hour that passed, I praised God for hearing my prayer and helping my little Rudy. By the time we went to bed she still hadn`t vomited since 6:30. In the middle of the night she went to the tub to get a drink, but drank too much, too fast, and threw it up, but that was the last time. The next morning, she was more vibrant and was sniffing for food. She ate a few bites of food and her tail was finally curled again. I was, and am, SO thankful! Ì`m not sure what was wrong with her, but God healed her!

I think we are quick to miss God in the small stuff (or even the big). When people are sick, doctors and medicine are there to test and medicate and soothe them so when they become healthy again, it is sometimes assumed it was from their medical care. However, with a dog, you can`t force the proper fluids, pills or food into them no matter how hard you try, they just suffer through it. So when I saw this drastic turnaround with Rudy`s health, I knew God was working.

To some people, a dog is a dog. Rudy is often very hyper when we have guests and she licks way too much. But when it`s just Devin and I, she is cuddly, calm, sleepy, playful and adorable. She follows me around the house and sometimes even sits on the bath mat and waits for me as I shower. She knows when I`ve taken something out of the fridge to dice or chop and she`s standing right underneath me waiting for a prize to drop. She prefers me most of the time, but will only sleep comfortably with Devin. She is such a special little part of our house. I like to think that God knows how special she is to us, and He spared her from whatever this illness was.  God reveals himself in such interesting ways. He has once again shown me how much He loves me.

2 years

This post is not about a happy celebration of 2 years for a birthday or anniversary or great life event. This 2 years I'm writing about is about a wait. A wait to be a mother, a wait for my husband to become a father. 2 years ago, this month, Devin and I both felt it was the right time to start trying to have a child. (I now feel a bit of irritation towards the phrase "start trying", but that's a different story). With stars in our eyes and baby names on our mind we thought "oh, it might take 2 or 3 months, but this year, we will have our very own baby! Now, I don't want to sound jaded and bitter, because, by the grace of God and through His strength, I'm actually not. God has kept my heart soft these past 2 years, though many months I wanted to harden it and spit at the world and isolate myself. He has humbled me, blessed me and reminded me that He is not punishing me...He is right here.

In the life of a woman waiting to have a baby, everything is cut up into month long intervals. So there is week one of the month, when you know you're not pregnant, but are hopeful for week 2 because "this might be the month". Then week 2 and 3 are the exciting, uncertain times. Hopeful and nervous, you wait for test time. Then by that 4th week you can't wait to test to see if this is the month. You drive yourself nuts trying not to test too early, but wanting to know this minute, but being afraid of a negative, while trying to believe it will be a positive. OIE! So then you test, and the nasty mean screen on the digital tests say clear as day "Not Pregnant" (ouch). The non-digital ones are a little less mean as they either have one line or two...at least you don't see the word "not". And depending on my mood that month, I cry and cry and cry. Sometimes I keep a brave face for awhile, and then cry later, or the next day. Sometimes (but very seldom) I feel pretty good. Frustrated and a little sad, but I think my expectations were already a bit low, so I didn't have far to fall. On the months where I was certain I had symptoms of pregnancy, the let down was severe and affected me for days. 

So, in 2 years time, I have had a lot of jabs and stabs to my heart, but with every healed wound I feel stronger and closer to God through all of this. Every negative test, every pregnancy announcement, every baby shower...they all hurt deeply. I look at the 2 year old children in our church and realize their age represents the amount of time I have been longing. I look around and see almost every single young woman I am friends with in Gravelbourg (and many back home in NS) who have had babies in the past 2 years. I've almost lost count. I am working, struggling and begging everyday for God to keep me from jealousy, depression and bitterness. Some weeks are easier than others. Oddly enough, I have more hope for my future than I did even a year ago. The unknown is scary, but I'd rather have my future in God's hands then my own.


**Just need to edit to add another thought or two
After re-reading the post I just wrote, I thought "wow, I sound like a sad, sad woman, maybe I should edit what I wrote". Then I reminded myself that it is OK that I am sad sometimes, and I will not pretend not to be. Since telling people about our struggle to conceive, we have had a lot of advice...some good, some bad, some terrible.

The advice I never want to hear again is "don't worry about it so much and it will happen." My response to this is:
#1 I am longing for a child, it's not worry, it's longing. It's natural, it's Biblical, and as long as I'm relying on God and trusting him during this time, I am justified in my longing and even a bit of sadness here and there.

#2 I don't sit around my home and pine for the day I will be pregnant. I have a busy, full life...but in those moments of down time, I have time to think about it, and it hurts a bit...but this hurt (or as some say, worry) is not what is preventing me from getting pregnant, and it is very insensitve when people say it is.

I believe in God and His plans for me more than I ever did 2 years ago, and I look forward to the day when I'm on "the other side" of this hard time. But for now I will trust Him.

Forever Yours

I just heard the song Forever Yours by Michael W. Smith. I'm not his biggest fan, I find his voice a bit "80's" and his lyrics sometimes cheesey...but these lyrics spoke to me. Yes, they definitely have an element of cheese...but sometimes there is just no way to avoid it when you're talking about love.

Devin and I have been married for 3 years, and I'm still overwhelmed by the joy and love I find in my marriage. We have not had a "bump-free" road, but it has just helped us grow and become "refined" as  individuals and a couple. I feel so much love for this man, sometimes I think my heart will burst--but instead my eyes seem to just overflow with tears :) I am so thankful for my marriage and the amazing man God gave me.

Forever Yours- Michael W. Smith

I'm swept away in this moment
I feel your heartbeat next to mine
My hands are trembling
 Its overwhelming, a whisper breaks through the silence
A vow to test the breath of time until forever, I'll be forever yours
Not just tonight, I'm by your side for all your life till death comes between us
And the heavens steal you away
 I'll stay, yours forever don't you worry, don't be afraid
A heart can shift like a shadow
The deepest passion start to wake
Stay ever tender, never surrender
Come waltz with me through the twilight,
 and we will dance as seasons pass we move together 
I'll be forever yours
So hold me tight say you'll be mine,
For all your life,
'til death comes between us and the heavens steal you away 
I'll stay yours forever don't you worry, don't be afraid
Come what may
So what we have is this moment
But moments come and go so fast
Until forever, Ill be forever yours
There is no other, I am forever yours