Peace that *really* passes all understanding.

One way that I can easily remember that God is the Provider of transcending, deep down in your bones peace, is because I can wake up on a Monday morning at 6:30 am, in the dark, looking on to a busy week of Kindergarten and other obligations, and feel joy and peace. Everyday this week I just feel overcome with peace and blessings. One thing I know has contributed to this is transparency. I've been locking myself up with sadness over infertility for over a year, while only sharing it with a few people and family members. On Sunday I couldn't stand pretending anymore, so during the part of the service where people mentioned prayer requests, I finally spilled. "We've been struggling with infertility for over a year"...ahh, finally! I don't know what it is about telling "everyone" in our little Gravelbourg social cirlce that made me feel more free, but it really did. So, being completely transparent with loved ones and friends this week has definitely helped. The follow-up of that is that I now am SURE I have more people praying for us, and I can feel it. Since Sunday I have felt different. I have felt encouraged. I have felt more hopeful about us someday (possibly sonner than we think) becoming parents than I have in at least 6 months. I feel hope, joy, peace. Not really words I even understand fully, but I can *feel* them.

I have recently become thankful for our struggle...which I'm sure has helped my outlook tremendously. I'm actually thankful that we couldn't get pregnant when WE thought the time was "right". Regardless of the reason we can't conceive right now (which we do not know yet), I feel thankful that I am experiencing a struggle--a much unwanted waiting period. I have been in very few situations in my priveleged, safe life where I've had major challenges where I needed to fully rely on God and trust in His perfect will just to get through the day. I thought I really trusted God's will for my life before, but embarrassingly enough, my trust was at about a 2 on a scale from 1-10. Pathetic! Now I'd say I'm nearing a 6+ !  I praise you Lord for the chance to really need you and really seek you, and really desire your will. I'm slowly learning, Lord. Have patience with me.