Making it through the hard stuff first

I was just on Pinterest and was about to click off to come write on my blog, when I saw this picture above. It's message is simple, but it is EXACTLY what I am feeling today. I took yet another pregnancy test this morning after being 4 WEEKS late...It was negative. So this means, not only am I not pregnant, but I haven't had my period in 2 straight months...I am never irregular. Excellent. Let's add that to the list of possible reasons I can't get pregnant. I am fighting fear DAILY. The fear that it will take years and tests and pain and tears before I will ever become pregnant, IF I ever do. I pray sometimes moment by moment that God will not let me give in to the fear and the bitterness and the anxiety. As hard as I pray, as much as I lean on my husband and my parents and some friends, some days I just can't see the light.

People say things like "it's going to happen" or"just stop stressing and it will happen" (which, by the way is practically impossible to stop stressing altogether, ANNOYING to hear, and not totally true since women around the world with all SORTS of stress get pregnant everyday--so if you know me, please never say that to me). I want to be full of light and hope and brimming with faith that I will someday be pregnant--and while I'm hopeful that God is faithful and has a plan--I am NOT sure I will ever give birth to a child. There are many women who just DON'T have babies. Wow, I just noticed how many words I capitalized in this post.

I am supposed to go for a dye test in the next month or two (properly known as a Hysterosalpingogram test). I was fine with the idea, but now have been told by 4 different women that it was the most painful experience they have ever had outside of childbirth. I'm so frustrated and tired of the feeling that I'm broken. I feel broken emotionally and physically, and I'm grasping onto the Father so I don't feel broken spiritually.

I need to remember that it will get better somehow, I just need to make it through the hard stuff first.