Today marks another month of no pregnancy. 15 months of trying. I'm a little sad, but more at peace than usual. I refuse to let the temptation of despair or hopelessness overtake me, but keep living with expectation. God has a plan.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Let the Journey Begin
I read something today that encouraged those who were beginning, in, or finished the adoption process to blog or write about it. So, since that's us, I thought I'd start writing about this journey on my blog, because my paper journals are always left unfinished or lost somewhere.
Today Devin sat down and read the "guidebook" that was sent to us from the Adoption Support Centre of Saskatchewan. They also send a booklet of questions that we are to answer individually and then share with eachother afterwards. I finished my booklet the night we received it--because I'm nerdy like that. We weren't required to send our answers to ASCS, but to discuss them with our spouse, and if we still felt comfortable beginning the adoption process we were to sign a little informal contract. The signatures on that paper signified the true beginning of this process. It said we were agreeing that we want to move foreward with adoption, and we were giving the province permission to contact us and start the application with us soon. I have butterflies just thinking about it.
If I let myself, I am tempted to start doubting and worrying that we should just relax and wait awhile. Afterall we are going to be having lots of tests, bloodwork and I'm having an ultrasound all within the next few weeks. However, when I'm really honest with myself and I'm really listening to God, I feel His encouraging whisper tell me "If you're walking in My Will, everything will work out. You can trust Me. I will not give you anything more or less than my perfect will has in store for you. No need to worry".
Devin and I need to continually pray and trust in Him. I am confident He is allowing us to proceed in both the adoption process, as well as medical research into the reason for our infertility, until He decides to either close some doors, or open a door to a child or children for us.
Today Devin sat down and read the "guidebook" that was sent to us from the Adoption Support Centre of Saskatchewan. They also send a booklet of questions that we are to answer individually and then share with eachother afterwards. I finished my booklet the night we received it--because I'm nerdy like that. We weren't required to send our answers to ASCS, but to discuss them with our spouse, and if we still felt comfortable beginning the adoption process we were to sign a little informal contract. The signatures on that paper signified the true beginning of this process. It said we were agreeing that we want to move foreward with adoption, and we were giving the province permission to contact us and start the application with us soon. I have butterflies just thinking about it.
If I let myself, I am tempted to start doubting and worrying that we should just relax and wait awhile. Afterall we are going to be having lots of tests, bloodwork and I'm having an ultrasound all within the next few weeks. However, when I'm really honest with myself and I'm really listening to God, I feel His encouraging whisper tell me "If you're walking in My Will, everything will work out. You can trust Me. I will not give you anything more or less than my perfect will has in store for you. No need to worry".
Devin and I need to continually pray and trust in Him. I am confident He is allowing us to proceed in both the adoption process, as well as medical research into the reason for our infertility, until He decides to either close some doors, or open a door to a child or children for us.
Beautiful Struggle
Last week as I was driving to school, my heart was bursting with love for Him and I could feel His Holy Spirit completely indwelling in me, and for the first time I actually said thank you to God for allowing this waiting period and struggle in our lives. If we were able to get pregnant immediately, that would have been just one more "easy" thing to add to the list of my wonderful life. I needed a struggle, a "NO", or a "wait" to really see my need for God. I couldn't fathom thanking God for pain and hardship before, but now I see it, I really see it! If everything comes blissfully easy to me, my ability to see my utter and desperate need for God would be SO hard to see.
I realize now that I need Him all the time, every single living moment, I need Him. This experience with infertility and not having my strongest desire met in my time has been a beautiful struggle. I'm not yet on the "other side" of this hard time. But God has graciously already revealed 2 things to me through this:
1- I needed to wait, listen and cling to Him. I needed a struggle to realize my desperate need for Him.
2- I needed to have this waiting period so as not to miss His calling for us to at least begin the adoption process, and see where He leads us.
Thank You, Lord for this beautiful struggle.
I realize now that I need Him all the time, every single living moment, I need Him. This experience with infertility and not having my strongest desire met in my time has been a beautiful struggle. I'm not yet on the "other side" of this hard time. But God has graciously already revealed 2 things to me through this:
1- I needed to wait, listen and cling to Him. I needed a struggle to realize my desperate need for Him.
2- I needed to have this waiting period so as not to miss His calling for us to at least begin the adoption process, and see where He leads us.
Thank You, Lord for this beautiful struggle.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Peace that *really* passes all understanding.
One way that I can easily remember that God is the Provider of transcending, deep down in your bones peace, is because I can wake up on a Monday morning at 6:30 am, in the dark, looking on to a busy week of Kindergarten and other obligations, and feel joy and peace. Everyday this week I just feel overcome with peace and blessings. One thing I know has contributed to this is transparency. I've been locking myself up with sadness over infertility for over a year, while only sharing it with a few people and family members. On Sunday I couldn't stand pretending anymore, so during the part of the service where people mentioned prayer requests, I finally spilled. "We've been struggling with infertility for over a year"...ahh, finally! I don't know what it is about telling "everyone" in our little Gravelbourg social cirlce that made me feel more free, but it really did. So, being completely transparent with loved ones and friends this week has definitely helped. The follow-up of that is that I now am SURE I have more people praying for us, and I can feel it. Since Sunday I have felt different. I have felt encouraged. I have felt more hopeful about us someday (possibly sonner than we think) becoming parents than I have in at least 6 months. I feel hope, joy, peace. Not really words I even understand fully, but I can *feel* them.
I have recently become thankful for our struggle...which I'm sure has helped my outlook tremendously. I'm actually thankful that we couldn't get pregnant when WE thought the time was "right". Regardless of the reason we can't conceive right now (which we do not know yet), I feel thankful that I am experiencing a struggle--a much unwanted waiting period. I have been in very few situations in my priveleged, safe life where I've had major challenges where I needed to fully rely on God and trust in His perfect will just to get through the day. I thought I really trusted God's will for my life before, but embarrassingly enough, my trust was at about a 2 on a scale from 1-10. Pathetic! Now I'd say I'm nearing a 6+ ! I praise you Lord for the chance to really need you and really seek you, and really desire your will. I'm slowly learning, Lord. Have patience with me.
I have recently become thankful for our struggle...which I'm sure has helped my outlook tremendously. I'm actually thankful that we couldn't get pregnant when WE thought the time was "right". Regardless of the reason we can't conceive right now (which we do not know yet), I feel thankful that I am experiencing a struggle--a much unwanted waiting period. I have been in very few situations in my priveleged, safe life where I've had major challenges where I needed to fully rely on God and trust in His perfect will just to get through the day. I thought I really trusted God's will for my life before, but embarrassingly enough, my trust was at about a 2 on a scale from 1-10. Pathetic! Now I'd say I'm nearing a 6+ ! I praise you Lord for the chance to really need you and really seek you, and really desire your will. I'm slowly learning, Lord. Have patience with me.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Doing Something About it
We've been trying to conceive for over a year now, about 14 months to be exact..but who's counting?
I've had moments of complete hopelessness and worry that I'll never become pregnant, and other times where I believe it's a "timing thing" and it will happen when it's supposed to. Well, while I still believe this to be true, and I trust in God's perfect will and timing...I also know that He gives us a will, brains, and resources to do something about it.
A couple weeks ago I was determined to make 2 phone calls I'd been putting off. One was to the doctor, and the other to the Adoption Support Centre in Saskatoon. Devin and I recently decided we would like to adopt. Whether sooner or later, we know it's something we want to do, so we're moving ahead with the process and will trust that God will open and close doors as He sees fit. It is a huge, exciting and scary process. We don't see adoption as a Plan B and we still want to have biological children, but we are keeping our hearts open to any child God wants to entrust to us.
Today I went to see a doctor. I have been avoiding and dreading this appointment for a few months. Of course she was very sweet and put me at ease...but I worked myself up so much about it. So now I'm headed for a slew of bloodtests and ultrasounds, but I'm strangely looking forward to it as I know that at least I'm now doing something about it.
I've had moments of complete hopelessness and worry that I'll never become pregnant, and other times where I believe it's a "timing thing" and it will happen when it's supposed to. Well, while I still believe this to be true, and I trust in God's perfect will and timing...I also know that He gives us a will, brains, and resources to do something about it.
A couple weeks ago I was determined to make 2 phone calls I'd been putting off. One was to the doctor, and the other to the Adoption Support Centre in Saskatoon. Devin and I recently decided we would like to adopt. Whether sooner or later, we know it's something we want to do, so we're moving ahead with the process and will trust that God will open and close doors as He sees fit. It is a huge, exciting and scary process. We don't see adoption as a Plan B and we still want to have biological children, but we are keeping our hearts open to any child God wants to entrust to us.
Today I went to see a doctor. I have been avoiding and dreading this appointment for a few months. Of course she was very sweet and put me at ease...but I worked myself up so much about it. So now I'm headed for a slew of bloodtests and ultrasounds, but I'm strangely looking forward to it as I know that at least I'm now doing something about it.
Autumn 2011
We took a few photos on Thanksgiving weekend. It was a lovely evening.
Just a few things I'm thankful for:
1. My faithful God and Saviour
2. My supportive, loving, and oh-so-handsome husband
3. My loving, awesome family
4. My wonderful friends
5. My home and all of our blessings.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Empty Womb, Aching Heart
Next month will be the 12th month since we started trying to conceive. There may have been a month or 2 within that year where Devin was away on a course or something...but it still *feels* like a year. My heart is so darn sore tonight. It seems to be a daily or weekly event lately where I discover about a new pregnancy of a friend, aquauntance or FB friend. It's a bittersweet feeling because I feel overjoyed for the newly pregnant women, but sad for my non-pregnant self. Today alone I found out about 2 pregnancies.
I have a fear of discovering a major problem that is causing my infertility...and for that reason I have not visited the doctor about this issue..yet. I am actively charting my cycle this month, temping every morning, remembering to take my prenatal vitamins, but my hope is so dashed that I have a hard time believing I'll ever see a positive test. Some days are far worse than others, and some days I feel content and trust that it's just not "my timing yet". *Sigh*
I have a fear of discovering a major problem that is causing my infertility...and for that reason I have not visited the doctor about this issue..yet. I am actively charting my cycle this month, temping every morning, remembering to take my prenatal vitamins, but my hope is so dashed that I have a hard time believing I'll ever see a positive test. Some days are far worse than others, and some days I feel content and trust that it's just not "my timing yet". *Sigh*
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