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Friday, January 13, 2012

Dear Baby

I think about you many times a day. I often wonder how we will be blessed with the gift of you...and when? I wonder what you will look like, what colour your eyes will be, what your hair will feel like. I can't wait to see you play and cuddle and giggle with your Daddy. He will love you more than he's ever loved anything. Oh, how I will love you...I do already. I will watch you sleep, and laugh with you, and play in blanket forts with you when you get a bit older. I will hold you when you're sick, sad or scared. I will be there to watch your successes and encourage you through failures.
I can't wait to meet you.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Friendship

friend (noun): A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

Based on my experiences this week, I think I will have to disagree with this definition to a point. Friendship is not just a noun, it is a verb. It is an action. It does not have to be between the same sex or people of a similar age. It does not have to be between those with similar interests or even those who live nearby.

I have discovered an immense, overwhelming power this week through the act of friendship. In my weakness and vulnerability this week God has sent heaps of wonderful people my way to uplift me and actively help me see through the pain with their love, prayers, hugs, books, words, gifts, time.
In the (almost) year and a half that we've been trying to conceive, I think I hit my lowest this past week. Perhaps it was a mix of things on top of the inability to conceive...but I was just low. When Devin was working the night shift on Friday I just sat in the living room chair and cried. Nothing particular triggered the tears, they just fell. The following morning while Devin was sleeping off the night shift, I just roamed the house and cried, sat at the computer and cried, ate my cereal and cried some more.

Then my dear angel friend texted and asked if I would like to take a walk with her. I truthfully did not think I had it in me. I didn't think I could dry the tears and smile long enough to pretend I was okay for this friend. I am not sure why I felt I needed to do this as I have cried to her and confided in her many times before...but this time felt different. But, I went, and it was just the turn-around my week needed. Her listening ear, her gentle and wise advice, her ability to not say "stupid stuff" to try to comfort me just lifted me higher and higher out of that pit. The following day at church a dear woman offered a lot of hugs and encouragement, and left a book and some tea hanging on my door this afternoon. The thougtfulness of her actions and the knowledge that she's praying for me is lifting me up even higher. Then there is Devin, my sweet Devin, who does not try to offer empty encouragement, but always remains positive. Just the joy I feel from being with him and walking and talking with him is enough to take away a significant amount of pain. He is my best friend.

These past three days have been a ridiculous turn-around for me. I was at my lowest and am now feeling "back to normal" (what ever that is) and trusting in God again and repenting for my lack of faith and trust.

Just so I will remember these moments of support when I look back on this blog someday, I want to write a few more examples of the active friendship I have had the pleasure of experiencing over these past few months:

- My friend, Jenn, has walked with me, talked with me, offered me great books to read, prayed for me, cried with me, and I KNOW and FEEL her love. She is a blessing straight from the father.

-Many women (and a few men) in my church that encourage and support us, pray for us, e mail us, ask how we are doing, and genuinely want to hear the answer.

- Maxine, who offered hugs and encouragement at church yesterday and left me some Saskatoon Berry tea and an encouraging book hanging on my doorknob.

- A dear friend from University who is also struggling with fertility issues at the moment, but takes time to pray for me and ask how we're doing frequently.

- Donna, who has given me so much insight and advice on adoption and opened my eyes to this whole other world.

- Natasha who sent a thoughtful and encouraging book all the way from Korea for us...and who I know is praying for me <3

- My parents who continue to pray for us and offer encouragement all the time, while remaining positive and not focusing on the negative.

- Many friends, new and old, who we connect with by either phone, Facebook or in person who have given us hope, listened to our hearts, and offer us the active, true friendship that we need during this hard time.

- My dear mother-in-law who phoned one night just to encourage me and tell me she was praying...it meant so much.

When I count the people who have blessed me just in this one struggle alone, I am overwhelmed and overjoyed. Thank you, thank you, thank you Jesus.

Lord, how could I ask you where You have been? You have been in the offerings of love and friendship from each of these dear souls. You have been in the warm sun and the brilliant moon each day this week, You have been in the longs hugs with my dear husband, You have been in the Scriptures, You have been here all along.

 

 

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Friday, January 6, 2012

Sadness

This sadness is like a huge storm cloud, it moves in when it pleases, rains on me for awhile, and then moves away until another day. My heart is so sore lately.

I don't think I have ever struggled with anything this much before. Where I have to pray many times a day just to breathe and move and function. Smiling through the pregnancy and birth announcements of friends, family and aquaintances. Faking enthusiasm for my Kindergarten class when I just want to be in bed. It's not that I am constantly miserable. I am reasonably happy and of course I know my situation could be much worse and is not without hope, but there are days when my mind won't tell my heart that, and I just cry. Yesterday I cried because I couldn't find any coloured pencils or crayons...I was SO upset. Of course I wasn't crying over lost crayons...but still...seriously.

My sensitivity to EVERYTHING is over the top lately. Loud noises, multiple conversations or noises at once, lost things, dropping things, songs, commercials, insensitive comments, pregnancies, the dog, cooking supper...I need to get a grip!

Tonight is a good night of coffee, pj's, a sleeping dog and YouTube. Ahhhh...

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