A beautiful pocket made to hold our ultrasound pictures, made by Denise Green, with Saskatchewan Angel Dresses, and given to me by my sweet friend, Samantha.
Two weeks ago, we lost our second baby. I have been having an incredibly hard time processing it all, or knowing how I should feel or act. I was just over 11 weeks pregnant on September 11th, when my doctor sent me to Moose Jaw for an ultrasound because she had some concerns (as did I). I was really not sure whether it would be the worst news or the best, so I kind of went numb. Sure enough, it was clear within moments, that my uterus on the screen was far too small for an 11 week old baby to be in there. We saw Hannah at 12 weeks gestation, and she was fully formed and dancing. So we knew, even before we saw the flat line of the heartbeat monitor on the screen, our baby was gone. Although I thought I was 11+ weeks pregnant, the baby had likely died somewhere around 6-8 weeks. I don't know how to describe my feelings when I knew our baby was gone. I cried, of course, but I had this calmness and peace that I never thought I would ever experience if I lost a baby. I thank Jesus for that.
Only an hour later, just as we were leaving Moose Jaw, the process of "passing" the baby began. I had no idea it was going to be so painful. It was a very difficult evening, but I still remained in peace, and slept soundly. It was a miracle.
We had not announced our pregnancy to many people yet, but there were family, friends and church family who we wanted to know about this child, even though he/she was already gone. So we have since told our church family, grandparents, siblings, and some close friends and family that we were expecting our baby, but he/she is gone. I have been debating with myself about whether or not to "talk" about the miscarriage on my blog or Facebook, but as I'm falling asleep at night I think about our little one, and wishing the world knew about him/her. I know that many women and couples choose to keep their miscarriages private, and I understand and respect their reasons; but I'm just having this deep desire to share about our experience. During our struggle with infertility and our adoption application process, I was open and vulnerable on my blog. I found that the response from women (and some men) was positive and reaffirming, and there were many women that told me they had been in my shoes, or that they were on the same journey as I was. So, with a bit of fear and insecurity, I decided to share.
I'm still a little lost, and still feeling like I'm missing something (which I am). I am sure in the days to come things will become more clear and I will be able to work out my feelings a bit better. The thing that has given me tremendous peace and many tears, is picturing our little one with Jesus. I am so glad I will get to meet and hug our little one when I get to Heaven.
With Devin's blessing, I unofficially named our baby "Joy", because I couldn't stand the idea of referring to my child as "baby" or "it". We obviously didn't know the sex of our baby, so Joy is not meant to be a gender specific name for a girl. But Joy is to represent the joy that he/she brought us in their short life. We had so many interventions while trying to conceive before Hannah came, and this little baby made his/her way into the world without any doctors, pills or tests to help us. What a joyful surprise it was to know that we could conceive naturally, and what a joy to know our babies would only be about 16 months apart. We want a large family, and wondered if that would/could happen, and maybe it won't...or will? Joy's life brought us hope and the reminder that we just need to continue trusting God for our children. One way or another, it will all work out how it's meant to. There was also the joy of announcing to our parents that they would have another grandbaby to love. Those are some of the reasons our tiny one is named Joy. Even though he/she is gone, it doesn't take away from the joy that was brought to many in his/her short life.
I miss our Joy, and wish I could still carry Joy. and give birth to a live, healthy Joy, and hold and mother Joy. I don't know what the days to come will bring, but for now I am basking in the peace of the Father.
I have read, repeated and meditated on these verses in the past 2 weeks.
And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
Psalm 34:17-1917 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the Lord delivers him from them all
but the Lord delivers him from them all