Making it through the hard stuff first

I was just on Pinterest and was about to click off to come write on my blog, when I saw this picture above. It's message is simple, but it is EXACTLY what I am feeling today. I took yet another pregnancy test this morning after being 4 WEEKS late...It was negative. So this means, not only am I not pregnant, but I haven't had my period in 2 straight months...I am never irregular. Excellent. Let's add that to the list of possible reasons I can't get pregnant. I am fighting fear DAILY. The fear that it will take years and tests and pain and tears before I will ever become pregnant, IF I ever do. I pray sometimes moment by moment that God will not let me give in to the fear and the bitterness and the anxiety. As hard as I pray, as much as I lean on my husband and my parents and some friends, some days I just can't see the light.

People say things like "it's going to happen" or"just stop stressing and it will happen" (which, by the way is practically impossible to stop stressing altogether, ANNOYING to hear, and not totally true since women around the world with all SORTS of stress get pregnant everyday--so if you know me, please never say that to me). I want to be full of light and hope and brimming with faith that I will someday be pregnant--and while I'm hopeful that God is faithful and has a plan--I am NOT sure I will ever give birth to a child. There are many women who just DON'T have babies. Wow, I just noticed how many words I capitalized in this post.

I am supposed to go for a dye test in the next month or two (properly known as a Hysterosalpingogram test). I was fine with the idea, but now have been told by 4 different women that it was the most painful experience they have ever had outside of childbirth. I'm so frustrated and tired of the feeling that I'm broken. I feel broken emotionally and physically, and I'm grasping onto the Father so I don't feel broken spiritually.

I need to remember that it will get better somehow, I just need to make it through the hard stuff first.

Disappointed

In my human blindness I fail to see His grand plan. I fail to feel Him near me at times. I fail to hear words of encouragement from Him or my loved ones. Sometimes I just feel angry. Lately I've been at peace with our wait for a baby blessing, and feeling like it's in His hands and everything will work out perfectly in His perfect time...and as much as I try to grasp onto that knowledge or feeling, and I try to write it all down so I can read it in hard times, the hard times wash over me like a tidal wave. This tidal wave leaves me in tears, despair, lonliness, and chaos. I can't "remember" that feeling of peace, no matter how hard I try. It angers me. I'm angry at myself, at the world, at God and at Satan. I'm angry that we're separated from God on the earth and sometimes I just feel so lost I can't even think straight let alone pray. I am so glad God is big enough and loving enough to accept and forgive me tantrums...because I can have some big ones.

This morning, after being 2 weeks late, I decided to test to see if our long awaited child was on it's way. Both Devin and I were quite hopeful. Devin's always slightly hopeful and after 20 some negative tests I just am not...but this time, I guess I had a little glimmer of hope. Well, that glimmer faded fast and I threw on big comfy clothes and went to my reading nook with my Bible to cry and cry and try to read something in His word that would bring me hope or encouragament or make sense of all of this. Then Devin woke up and found me a mess of tears and just held me. I'm so glad he knows not to say anything when I'm that sad, hurt and disappointed...because I would probably lash out at him. Instead he just holds me in his arms and makes me feel so safe even when I feel so angry and sad. He is such a blessing.

After crying out to God, I know He hears me even though He feels so far away. I know He loves me and forgives my unfaithfulness, I know there will be a brighter day coming soon.

Broken Pieces

This weekend we had a fabulous speaker, Steve McMillan, come to our church for a marriage seminar, and then he spoke again on Sunday morning. Sunday morning's message left us all in tears after he spoke words that personally touched every person in the sanctuary in one way or another. I was left in a puddle of tears as the words pounded into my heart. The main point of his message on Sunday was that we all have or had a perfect image of what our lives should look like, in particular, what our perfect family would look like. He took a hammer and smashed the glass of a frame containing the "perfect family" (similar to the one above) and told us they don't exist.

Whether it be parents with grown children who have strayed or have their own version of family drama, or busy young moms who struggle to keep a clean diaper on their baby while the toddler flushes a toy down the toilet, or the couple with empty arms and an empty womb who long for children of their own-whose framed family picture is missing a few little people in it that they thought they would have by then...all of us have expectations, and in one way or another, all of these expectations are either crushed or are forced to change.

Steve said something that I need to remember daily, and some days, momentarily. God wants us to give him these broken expectations-these broken pieces- and ask Him to write a new story. Not the story we thought we would have...but the story He has planned for us all along.  Looking forward to see what He's writing for us.

A Day at the Spa

Yesterday, my friend Treasure and I went to the Spa in Moose Jaw to swim in the hot mineral pool and have massages. It was great.

We both had long, hard weeks of teaching and we needed to catch up and relax. We went shopping at the mall, got a few groceries, went to Nits Thai Restaurant to eat, then spent an hour and a half in the mineral pool. It was about -5 out and it was getting dark so we enjoyed having cold heads and warm, toasty bodies while the steam rose up and the water was lit by underwater lights...it was so beautiful and relaxing. Then we went to the "couples" room for 60 minutes full body Swedish massages..a bit more "ouchy" than I had wanted, but my muscles feel good today.

 Oh, and somewhere in that day we hit the Bulk Barn and got a nice portion of candy to eat on the drive home.  During our massage Treasure asked "Do you have any chocolate left?" After a relaxed and brief pause I excitedly responded "totally". Our male masseuses thought that was hilarious...I guess it's a girl thing to cherish candy like riches?

What an incredibly girly and lovely day we had. So much laughter, so much discussion. I am thankful for my dear friends who are closer than sisters...and since I don't have sisters...that works well for me :)

I should mention, this spa day was a gift from my hubby on my 24th birthday...23 months ago! It's about time I used it. If I ever get another one I will NOT hesitate to use it!

In the waiting

Today is another day, my body is proclaiming for the 18th month that I am not pregnant. I take it better than I did about 6 months ago, but I'm still fighting anger, sadness, confusion, frustration and bitterness. Why can't I look past this momentary struggle and remember God's plan is in the works, He has not forgotten about me? It's so hard sometimes to wear the "big picture" goggles, but I have to try.
A friend, and one of the dozens of women who have surrounded and uplifted me during this wait, sent me a link to the song below. Here are the lyrics that so perfectly describe my life right now.

 

In the Waiting- Greg Long

 

Pain
The gift nobody longs for, still it comes
And somehow leaves us stronger
When it's gone away
Pray
I try and pray for Your will to be done
But I confess it's never fast enough for me
It seems
the hardest part is waiting on You
When what I really want
Is just to see Your hand move
I want a peace beyond my understanding
I want to feel it fall like rain
In the middle of my hurting
I want to feel Your arms as they surround me
And let me know that it's okay
To be here in this place
Resting in the peace that only comes
In the waiting
Time
Time to let it go and just believe
Trusting in what no one else but You can see
Free
Freedom from the fears that close me in
When I can't get beyond where I have been, but then

Again
The silence doesn't mean that I'm alone
As long as I can hear
That I am still Your own

Will you share our story?

The following letter is one that we are planning to mail and e mail out to anyone and everyone who will read it.  Please read it and consider sharing it. :)

Dear friends and loved ones,                                        February 2012

This letter comes to you straight from our hearts, and we thank you for taking the time to read it. We decided in the summer of 2010 that we would like to start our family and have children. We, however, did not stop to consider that sometimes our plans do not pan out in our desired time frame or in the way we might expect, and we’ve had to do a lot of self-reflecting and praying. This past November, after over a year of trying, we decided to do 2 things: see our doctors and apply for adoption.

To some it may seem that our decision to adopt was a bit premature because many couples adopt after having biological children, or after finding out there is no chance of conceiving. We have not had this news, but we no longer believe that we need to have biological children before adopting. In fact, all of our tests have come back fine so far and there is no obvious reason as to why we’ve been unable to conceive. We’re just feeling led to adopt, so we thought it was time to do something about it!

The longer we wait for the blessing of a child, the more God is working on our hearts and our perspective. We believe this waiting period itself has been a blessing as we have been forced to actively trust Him during this challenging time, and He has brought us closer to Him through it. Aside from the spiritual growth, we are feeling that perhaps we may not have even considered adoption had we been able to conceive right away, and we might have missed God’s message that He has a child or children for us that we are meant to adopt into our family. We are confident we will soon see His plan unfold and cannot wait to see what will happen!

So now to the point of this letter. We have applied for domestic adoption, which means we are adopting from Saskatchewan and basically are put on a waiting list as we go through paperwork, home studies and classes. Saskatchewan no longer has an adoption agency, so we apply through Social Services, and the process can be quite long and drawn out if you are looking to adopt a baby. While we have accepted this process and are happy to have started it, we are also interested in private adoption and have heard some wonderful miracle stories about it. Since we do not have an agency to privately adopt through, we’ve been told numerous times that we need to “spread the word” that we’re adopting so the chances of privately adopting are greater. In other words, we might be united with our future child because (as an example) you might be connected to someone through family or friendship that is expecting and they are considering making an adoption plan for their baby, and you could possibly connect us with that person.

This is our official request to you. Whether you are our family member, our friend, or an acquaintance, we just need you to know that we are two people who feel a deep desire to be parents, to be called “Mom” and “Dad”, and to raise and love the child or children God blesses us with—however He chooses to do so. If you know anyone who has expressed a desire to make an adoption plan for their baby, we ask that you would prayerfully consider us and give them our information.

We would not want you to mention this to anyone who has not already expressed interest in adoption. We just want to make ourselves completely open and available to our future child, whether it is through domestic or private adoption.

We will give you some more detailed information about us below in case you feel you need to know a bit more about us. If a situation does arise where you have this conversation with an expectant mother/couple, please feel free to give them our names and contact information. We would love to speak with them.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. It can be a bit uncomfortable involving a lot of people in a personal issue such as starting a family, but we know there are good things in store for us and perhaps you will be a part of our story. If you would please keep us in your thoughts and prayers we would be so grateful.

Sincerely,

Devin and Holly

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11

Names: Devin and Holly

Contact info:  306-650-7111 (C)

  

E-mail: hollyroddick@ hotmail.com, djrodd@ live.ca

Ages: Devin 27, Holly 25

Occupations: Devin is a Constable in the RCMP, Holly is a Kindergarten teacher

Family: Devin’s parents, Sandy and Jocelyn, live in Vankleek Hill, Ontario. He has one younger sister, Amy, who has two boys, Thomas and Felix.

Holly’s parents, Bruce and Susan, live in Yarmouth, Nova Scotia. She has two older brothers; Stephen is married to Nicole and has 2 children, Tori and Jaxon, and Shawn lives in Halifax and is married to Christen.

Hobbies and interests:

Devin:

• Enjoys playing softball and basketball.
• Enjoys being active and working out.
• Coaches a high school basketball team
• Plays guitar, mandolin and piano, and sings.
• Involved in his church and community.
• Enjoys reading.
• A “child magnet”. Loves being with children.

Holly:

• Enjoys playing softball and watching sports.
• Enjoys photography and being outdoors
• Involved in her church and teaches Sunday School
• Loves to travel.
• Enjoys reading, and involved in a book club.
• Loves the company of babies and children.

We both adore and admire children and have a lot of kids in our lives through Holly’s Kindergarten position, church, and our friend’s children. We have a strong bond with our families and have a wonderful, supportive network of friends and a loving church family. We feel that we are a responsible and mature couple, and we have a very strong and loving marriage. We are best friends, we laugh together, we’re head over heels for each other, and we make a great team. Hope this gives you a bit more insight into our world. Thanks again for reading.

The link below is a song called "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller.  It sort of perfectly describes our feelings about our "wait" to be parents. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9DTwLOxzhE&feature=related 

Happy Valentine's Day, my love

Today is love day, also known as Valentine's Day. 6 years ago today, I was in my apartment in Halifax, a 2nd year University student, and Devin was in his aunt and uncle's home in Hamilton, and in his 2nd and final year of College. We were having one of our hundreds of phone chats that lasted for hours. We had met the previous summer, August 15th I believe, and then parted ways for what I assumed was for good as I was from NS and he was from Ontario. Thanks to the good ol internet we somehow reconnected in October ish...not totally sure how. We soon became quite smitten with eachother and talked on the phone or chatted online for HOURS and texted back and forth all day long. We made our relationship official from a distance on Feb/ 14th 2006 and it's been love ever since. I went to visit him 4 days later in Ontario on my Spring break, we knew then that this was it. We told each other that night the "I love you" phrase, and declared "Sweet Home Alabama" to be our song because it was playing while we expressed those words...Sounds SO cheesy! But so sweet :)

2 years later we were engaged, 1 year after that married, and almost 3 years after that here were are in southern Saskatchewan.  It's been a wonderful 6 years. It's not always infatuated, fluttery butterflies and rainbows--but it usually is.

it's official

"walk through this world with me, go where I go, share all my dreams with me..."

our first summer in Saskatchewan 

Banff, Alberta. Summer 2010.

Devin's 27th birthday. 2012.

Thanksgiving 2011

Dancing in the Minefields- Andrew Peterson
I was nineteen, you were twenty-one
The year we got engaged
Everyone said we were much too young
But we did it anyway

We bought our rings for forty each
From a pawn shop down the road
We made our vows and took the leap
Now fifteen years ago

We went dancing in the minefields
We went sailing in the storm
And it was harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for

"I do" are the two most famous last words
The beginning of the end
But to lose your life for another I've heard
Is a good place to begin
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/a/andrew_peterson/dancing_in_the_minefields.html ]
'Cause the only way to find your life
Is to lay your own life down
And I believe it's an easy price
For the life that we have found

And we're dancing in the minefields
We're sailing in the storm
This is harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for

So when I lose my way, find me
When I loose love's chains, bind me
At the end of all my faith, till the end of all my days
When I forget my name, remind me

'Cause we bear the light of the Son of Man
So there's nothing left to fear
So I'll walk with you in the shadowlands
Till the shadows disappear

'Cause he promised not to leave us
And his promises are true
So in the face of all this chaos, baby,
I can dance with you