I'd never change it

This morning I was reflecting on my relationship with Devin, and how I feel so blessed to have a happy marriage. I am very aware that this is not the reality in many marriages, so I'm certainly thankful. Then my thoughts turned to our baby, and I thought about their future spouse, and I began to pray that our child will find a person who loves God, and loves them a lot. Then I began to think about all of the things that could bring our child hurt or disappointment in their future (I immediately thought about infertility) and in my Mommy instinct I began to pray that these things wouldn't happen.  As soon as the words were out, I knew they weren't quite right though. Thoughts of our own infertility issues and waiting came to my mind, and of course I don't want my children to have to deal with that, but I found myself changing my prayer. I began asking God to use any struggle that our child may face, in the same way He used infertility for good in my life. My first true test of faith came with the hurt and disappointment of infertility, and I'd never change it.

Now that I'm bursting at the seams with our precious babe waiting to make an appearance to the world in about 5 weeks, I am overwhelmed with joy, peace, gratitude, and a rush of other emotions. There were times when I really couldn't envision looking down at my pregnant belly. I knew God loved me, but felt like maybe I wasn't worthy of being a Mom. That was just one wrong idea I had on top of a pile of others. Some of the ridiculous thoughts that crossed my mind while we tried to conceive were: "It's my fault, I'm probably not healthy enough." "Maybe I did something wrong that I haven't asked forgiveness for." "Maybe God is trying to point out a problem in our marriage that we need to resolve before we can have a baby", and the most embarrassing one as a believer: "maybe God isn't so kind, since He could give us a baby and He isn't".  From the time we hoped to conceive, until the magical day we found out I was pregnant, I pushed God away, and came back to Him over and over again as I studied the Bible, prayed for answers, and spoke to beautiful encouragers he put in my pathway. One by one, God used specific situations, people and Scripture to eliminate these doubts, fears and lies the Enemy was speaking.

Though I fell for a lot of lies during that hard season, there was at least one lesson I believe I really did need to learn before being blessed with a baby. Last winter I was becoming angry and impatient, and I was worried that my attitude was becoming too bitter, so I decided to go to a Christian counselor in Moose Jaw. I don't remember much from the hour long session except the counselor's question: "if you never are able to have a baby or even adopt a child, do you think God is still good?".  In my hurt and vulnerability, I knew that my truthful answer was I'm not sure...maybe not. I felt extremely guilty for that answer, but at the same time, it was the first step to completely opening my eyes up to the inherent goodness of God. The next couple of months my heart was beginning to change. I was finally aware that the wall between God and I was put there by me, and began to chip away at it as I drew closer to Him and realized His beautiful goodness.

The final breakthrough seemed to happen when I went to a beautiful, remote island off of Vancouver, to a women's retreat called "Come Before Winter". I thought I was going there to help me improve my knowledge and skills in church ministry; boy was I wrong.  During that week of intense worship, prayer, solitude, Bible study and very rainy walks by myself, God revealed Himself like never before. I was overwhelmed by His presence...and when you're in God's presence, there is no doubt about His goodness, I just knew it. At the end of the week we had to do a 3 minute talk to the group about what we'd learned while we were there, and my little speech was about this wonderful new knowledge I had: "God is good, all the time, no matter what, God is good". I told them how we had been waiting for a baby for about 2 and a half years, and I compared my time of waiting and wandering to that of the Israelites wandering in the desert. Though they complained and grumbled, God never left them, and His goodness never changed. He gave them manna and quail to eat, a pillar of fire and a cloud for guidance, among many other provisions as they did their desert walk. During our "desert walk", God provided dozens of people who hugged me, cried with me, prayed for me, shared their own heartbreaks with me. He gave me sermons and Bible verses that inspired and encouraged me. He gave me a husband who was always there to pick me up. Though I complained and grumbled like the Israelites, He was there, and He was still so good. The amazing ending to that story is that while I was having a spiritual transformation on a rainy little island in BC, God had blessed us with a perfect little miracle probably a matter of days before I went on this trip, that I wouldn't know about for another week and a half. I don't believe it was ironic or coincidental, but just His perfect timing.

So, back to my original thought. No, I would never take away that 2.5 years of waiting even if I could change the past. Coming to the end of this desert walk (though I`m sure there will be others) has been the most amazing, affirming, beautiful time in my life, and I will forever have the lessons I learned while I waited. My faith is so deeply entangled and rooted in God now, it gives me confidence that He`ll be there in every trying time that is sure to come in my life, and that when those challenges do come, He is still good.

Looking off of Keats Island, BC

Sweet friends