Such a Mess

Oh boy, am I a mess sometimes. This past week, I haven't had enough energy to get out of my own way, aside from when I'm at school and don't have an option. Devin's been running around working out, doing dishes, sweeping up and drying my tears. I feel so unworthy. Once I calm down and stop the weeping, I realize that at one point in our marriage I wasn't working, and Devin was working beyond just office work, before he broke his leg, and I was the dish cleaner, dog walker, garbage woman, sweeper, tidier, and cook. I guess I'm realizing that there are different phases and stages in marriage. Devin reminded me that I work with tiring little children all day, and have to get up early, and commute an hour...things he doesn't have to deal with. He also reminds me that he's happy to do these things for me...so accept it! I could learn a lesson or 2 from this dear husband of mine. Last night my heart was heavy and sad and downright depressed--this morning I'm feeling a bit better, and just so full of gratitiude for my supportive and loving husband.

Adopting

I've already mentioned this before, but now it feels so real. Tonight Devin and I sat down and filled out and signed our adoption application. We are going to mail it tomorrow. About 3/4 of the way through the application I had a meltdown. Choosing which age, physical or mental issues, behavioural issues, medical issues we will or will not accept? We don't know! We know that we want to be parents and love our child regardless of any problem that may arise, but we have to also be painfully realistic and admit that maybe we can't, or don't feel prepared to, deal with the pain and struggle that would go along with raising a sick or very limited child. I am happy we're through it, and I know the process is not even nearly limited to this short application--but it still feels so significant.
I need to refocus and spend a lot of time in prayer. This will be the only way we'll know what His plan is, and what we should do next. He is faithful and bigger than all of this. I need to remember this.
We are keeping this door open, and praying He`ll show us the way, because we have no idea what`s coming.

Walking to the P.O. to mail our application :)

Encouragement

There are some specific Bible verses that have helped me immensely oover the last few months. They are applicable to anyone grasping onto hope. I found them all while reading on a plane ride to Nova Scotia, and wrote them in the back of my Bible. I re-visit them often.

Romans 15:4 Such things were written in the Scriptures long ago to teach us.And the Scriptures give us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God's promises to be fulfilled.

Romans 15:13 I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Psalms 113:9 He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the LORD!

Psalm 13:5-6 But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because he is good to me.

Psalm 25:5 Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you.

Psalm 119:28-32  I weep with sorrow; encourage me by your word. Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privelege of knowing your instructions. I have chosen to be faithful; I have determined to live by your regulations. I cling to your laws. Lord, don't let me be put to shame! I will pursue your commands, for you expand my understanding.

Psalm 32:8 The LORD says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust int he Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding.  Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

Proverbs 2:3 Cry out for insight and ask for understanding.

Genesis 21:1-2 The Lord kept his word and did for Sarah exactly as he had promised. She became pregnant, and she gave birth to a son for Abraham in his old age.

1 Peter 5:7 Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

Monday Morning

Outside a beautiful layer of white cold is sparkling under the morning sun
Piping hot coffee sits beside the tap tap tapping of the keyboard
The radio plays in the background
The sleepy dog gazes out the window
The slish slosh sounds of the dishwasher
The world is rushing around, while I'm here, sitting, resting, warm, cozy
On a Monday Morning

There's always HOPE

Pregnant women, new mothers, infants...they're everywhere. It's a bittersweet and beautiful thing that leaves me in awe and in deep longing and sadness all at once.
I can't avoid pregnant ladies forever, but sometimes I wish I could...at least until I'm one of them.
I cry almost everyday for the child we don't have, or the body that won't work, or the longing to look at a little person made by us. To study his eyes, nose, mouth and chin to see who he looks like more--a Clarke? A Roddick? Both?
Each day I remind myself to cling to hope and trust in the Lord, because deep down I know His plan is real, He knows what He's doing and He's going to do something. But while I wait in my human weakness and impatience, my heart is sore and the tears continue to fall. Not because I have lost hope--I haven't--I have more hope than ever. But because I don't know what the future will hold. I don't know if I will hold my child next year, or in 10 years. I don't know if I will ever become pregnant, or be blessed with a baby through adoption. So many what-ifs, so much longing, but there is still hope. Praise the Lord, there is always Hope.

Psalm 71:14
But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more

Another month

Today marks another month of no pregnancy. 15 months of trying. I'm a little sad, but more at peace than usual. I refuse to let the temptation of despair or hopelessness overtake me, but keep living with expectation. God has a plan.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Let the Journey Begin

I read something today that encouraged those who were beginning, in, or finished the adoption process to blog or write about it. So, since that's us, I thought I'd start writing about this journey on my blog, because my paper journals are always left unfinished or lost somewhere.


Today Devin sat down and read the "guidebook" that was sent to us from the Adoption Support Centre of Saskatchewan. They also send a booklet of questions that we are to answer individually and then share with eachother afterwards. I finished my booklet the night we received it--because I'm nerdy like that. We weren't required to send our answers to ASCS, but to discuss them with our spouse, and if we still felt comfortable beginning the adoption process we were to sign a little informal contract. The signatures on that paper signified the true beginning of this process. It said we were agreeing that we want to move foreward with adoption, and we were giving the province permission to contact us and start the application with us soon. I have butterflies just thinking about it.

If I let myself, I am tempted to start doubting and worrying that we should just relax and wait awhile. Afterall we are going to be having lots of tests, bloodwork and I'm having an ultrasound all within the next few weeks. However, when I'm really honest with myself and I'm really listening to God, I feel His encouraging whisper tell me "If you're walking in My Will, everything will work out. You can trust Me. I will not give you anything more or less than my perfect will has in store for you. No need to worry".
Devin and I need to continually pray and trust in Him. I am confident He is allowing us to proceed in both the adoption process, as well as medical research into the reason for our infertility, until He decides to either close some doors, or open a door to a child or children for us.

Beautiful Struggle

Last week as I was driving to school, my heart was bursting with love for Him and I could feel His Holy Spirit completely indwelling in me, and for the first time I actually said thank you to God for allowing this waiting period and struggle in our lives. If we were able to get pregnant immediately, that would have been just one more "easy" thing to add to the list of my wonderful life. I needed a struggle, a "NO", or a "wait" to really see my need for God. I couldn't fathom thanking God for pain and hardship before, but now I see it, I really see it! If everything comes blissfully easy to me, my ability to see my utter and desperate need for God would be SO hard to see.

I realize now that I need Him all the time, every single living moment, I need Him. This experience with infertility and not having my strongest desire met in my time has been a beautiful struggle. I'm not yet on the "other side" of this hard time. But God has graciously already revealed 2 things to me through this:

1- I needed to wait, listen and cling to Him. I needed a struggle to realize my desperate need for Him.
2- I needed to have this waiting period so as not to miss His calling for us to at least begin the adoption process, and see where He leads us.

Thank You, Lord for this beautiful struggle.