Making it through the hard stuff first

I was just on Pinterest and was about to click off to come write on my blog, when I saw this picture above. It's message is simple, but it is EXACTLY what I am feeling today. I took yet another pregnancy test this morning after being 4 WEEKS late...It was negative. So this means, not only am I not pregnant, but I haven't had my period in 2 straight months...I am never irregular. Excellent. Let's add that to the list of possible reasons I can't get pregnant. I am fighting fear DAILY. The fear that it will take years and tests and pain and tears before I will ever become pregnant, IF I ever do. I pray sometimes moment by moment that God will not let me give in to the fear and the bitterness and the anxiety. As hard as I pray, as much as I lean on my husband and my parents and some friends, some days I just can't see the light.

People say things like "it's going to happen" or"just stop stressing and it will happen" (which, by the way is practically impossible to stop stressing altogether, ANNOYING to hear, and not totally true since women around the world with all SORTS of stress get pregnant everyday--so if you know me, please never say that to me). I want to be full of light and hope and brimming with faith that I will someday be pregnant--and while I'm hopeful that God is faithful and has a plan--I am NOT sure I will ever give birth to a child. There are many women who just DON'T have babies. Wow, I just noticed how many words I capitalized in this post.

I am supposed to go for a dye test in the next month or two (properly known as a Hysterosalpingogram test). I was fine with the idea, but now have been told by 4 different women that it was the most painful experience they have ever had outside of childbirth. I'm so frustrated and tired of the feeling that I'm broken. I feel broken emotionally and physically, and I'm grasping onto the Father so I don't feel broken spiritually.

I need to remember that it will get better somehow, I just need to make it through the hard stuff first.

Disappointed

In my human blindness I fail to see His grand plan. I fail to feel Him near me at times. I fail to hear words of encouragement from Him or my loved ones. Sometimes I just feel angry. Lately I've been at peace with our wait for a baby blessing, and feeling like it's in His hands and everything will work out perfectly in His perfect time...and as much as I try to grasp onto that knowledge or feeling, and I try to write it all down so I can read it in hard times, the hard times wash over me like a tidal wave. This tidal wave leaves me in tears, despair, lonliness, and chaos. I can't "remember" that feeling of peace, no matter how hard I try. It angers me. I'm angry at myself, at the world, at God and at Satan. I'm angry that we're separated from God on the earth and sometimes I just feel so lost I can't even think straight let alone pray. I am so glad God is big enough and loving enough to accept and forgive me tantrums...because I can have some big ones.

This morning, after being 2 weeks late, I decided to test to see if our long awaited child was on it's way. Both Devin and I were quite hopeful. Devin's always slightly hopeful and after 20 some negative tests I just am not...but this time, I guess I had a little glimmer of hope. Well, that glimmer faded fast and I threw on big comfy clothes and went to my reading nook with my Bible to cry and cry and try to read something in His word that would bring me hope or encouragament or make sense of all of this. Then Devin woke up and found me a mess of tears and just held me. I'm so glad he knows not to say anything when I'm that sad, hurt and disappointed...because I would probably lash out at him. Instead he just holds me in his arms and makes me feel so safe even when I feel so angry and sad. He is such a blessing.

After crying out to God, I know He hears me even though He feels so far away. I know He loves me and forgives my unfaithfulness, I know there will be a brighter day coming soon.