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Sunday, July 28, 2013

A letter to myself

Dear Holly

About 5 months ago you were preparing yourself for a trip to Cuba. Worrying about new bathing suits, flip flops and SPF. You were hoping this trip would help ease the difficulty of that incredibly long, hard Saskatchewan winter, and give a nice distraction from your longing for a baby. Off you went with your beloved Devin to the beaches of Cuba where you snorkeled and swam and ate weird food. You were very tired, and not feeling all that great, and a tad bit emotional. You were a bit surprised that Cuba maybe wasn't as great as you thought it would be. You even marched stubbornly out of one of the evening shows put on by your resort because you were appalled at the lack of clothing the dancers were wearing, and wondering how in the world was this type of show acceptable for children?! You may have been a tad bit irrational that evening. You were ready to go back to winter after 7 days of sun and sand.  Although you weren't totally consumed by it, you (as always) were thinking of your cycles and temperatures and charts. You were anxiously awaiting the moment where you could test to see if "this is the month", just in case. Though you were anxious, you were unfortunately not all that hopeful. You had "been there, done that" month after month; but it didn't stop you from wanting to test once more.

So you arrive back in Canada. Tanned, burnt, and exhausted. But before leaving Saskatoon, Devin stops at Wal-Mart so you can buy a 2-pack pregnancy test. Cuban resorts didn't think that was a priority item to sell in their gift shops! You get home incredibly late and go straight to bed.  The next morning you wake early, and you don't want to waste an "opportunity" so you tested. I'm still not sure what you did, but the test didn't work. No positive or negative showed up. How disappointing! You head back to bed for a few hours and then when you wake again you hold your bladder as long as possible until Devin awoke. Sometime around 10:30 or 11 am, Devin was awake, and you had to go now, so you tested again...and this time, there were lines. The test worked this time, but wait, it had TWO lines. That meant positive. That meant a baby. That meant a miracle! Let the celebrations begin!

Holly, the reason I'm writing this letter to you, is to gently remind you that a miracle has happened, and is still happening inside of your womb every single day as your darling little one is growing. I want to remind you that there was a time when you had to plead and pray and claw at hope from day to day because the wait was becoming long and worrisome. I want to also remind you of the faith it took to believe that God does love you SO much, even though He didn't give you that baby the moment you desired to be a mother.  I want to remind you of how painful and vulnerable infertility is, and to remind you of the women and couples that are still facing this challenge. Who have not seen the end of their wait yet.  Please continue to be sensitive to those who physically hurt every time a friend or family member announces they are expecting...even when they want to be happy for them. I want to remind you of the trust it took to believe that God had a great plan for your future, even when you couldn't see it, and that same trust will be necessary in so many other circumstances in the future...so hold onto it!

I want to remind you that the "dry season" you have just gotten through in your life will not be the last one, and you need to hold on to the lessons you learned during that time, and thank God for opening your eyes.



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