Homesick

I have been living in Saskatchewan for just over 4 years. I recently found a journal of my first summer here. I was newly married, newly graduated from the University of Ottawa, and more miserable than I would care to admit. I was (and obviously still am) head over heels in love with my amazing new husband, and so happy to be with him after almost a year apart while I was in Ottawa and he was in RCMP training in Regina. But, silly, nagging homesickness got in my way. I was a coast loving, salty air breathing, Maritimer at heart, and being told by the RCMP we were now going to be residents of Saskatchewan for who knows how long made me literally feel like a fish out of water. Instead of lakes and beaches, we were surrounded by a "sea" of wheat and canola; instead of singing alongside of my guitar-playing husband at church most Sunday mornings, we were attending a quieter non-instrumental church service; instead of spending holidays and special events with family, it was now just the 2 of us.(Thankfully we made fast friends who took us in as their own family! But I'm talking more about the first summer here when we were brand new). I was making many efforts to "suck it up" and become accustomed to this new life. We have made beautiful friendships that have forever changed my view of what a loving friendship should be. We were invited into family gatherings, Christmas celebrations, Thanksgiving dinners, and just felt totally welcomed by our new friends and church family. And it did make such a difference. The homesick, lonely days came a little farther apart, and I could accept that Gravelbourg really was my home now, even if I was still a bit hesitant about it.

So here I am 4 years later, still missing that East coast. Today I was in tears within the first 10 minutes of waking. I was overwhelmed at the thought of another long day of wandering around the house finding odd jobs to keep my mind busy, or walking the dog a couple of times to pass some time. I'm frustrated that after 4 years I still can't find contentment with my surroundings. I hate being that person who thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence (or in my case, country), but the reality is I often find myself dreaming of living in Prince Edward Island, or Nova Scotia (of course), and I let myself believe I would feel more at home there. The good girl in me feels immense guilt for my discontentment, and I automatically shame myself for not being grateful for what I do have. It's really a vicious cycle. I feel sad because I feel homesick, but then I feel sad because I'm guilty for being discontent, and then I feel frustrated because I don't know how to fix my discontentment. Oh yeah, and I'm pregnant, and I'm sure those hormones are really helping me along!

So, this evening, the pup and I went out for a little sunset drive, and as I was driving home, my mind was finally relaxing a bit, and I started thinking of the "little" things that happened today that made it good:

1) My sweet man let me cry on his shoulder, and told me "it's OK" to be sad, and to cry. I didn't say a word to him as to why I was crying, but he took my hand and brought me to the calendar to count down the days to when I'd be visiting Nova Scotia in August.

2) A dear friend stopped by with 2 adorable little gifts for baby Roddick that just melted my heart. Her thoughtfulness really touched me.

3) We had delicious homemade pizza for supper, and Devin helped me prepare it.

4) We went for a lovely sunny walk this afternoon, and the air wasn't too hot or humid, it was quite nice.

5) My pup and I went for a little drive this evening and watched an amazing sunset and admired the yellow canola fields. It was beautiful.

So, maybe I'm having another homesick day, and maybe tomorrow will be too, but I'm just so thankful that there are so many good things, people and blessings I can count every day to remind me that the grass is green on both sides of the fence.