2 years

This post is not about a happy celebration of 2 years for a birthday or anniversary or great life event. This 2 years I'm writing about is about a wait. A wait to be a mother, a wait for my husband to become a father. 2 years ago, this month, Devin and I both felt it was the right time to start trying to have a child. (I now feel a bit of irritation towards the phrase "start trying", but that's a different story). With stars in our eyes and baby names on our mind we thought "oh, it might take 2 or 3 months, but this year, we will have our very own baby! Now, I don't want to sound jaded and bitter, because, by the grace of God and through His strength, I'm actually not. God has kept my heart soft these past 2 years, though many months I wanted to harden it and spit at the world and isolate myself. He has humbled me, blessed me and reminded me that He is not punishing me...He is right here.

In the life of a woman waiting to have a baby, everything is cut up into month long intervals. So there is week one of the month, when you know you're not pregnant, but are hopeful for week 2 because "this might be the month". Then week 2 and 3 are the exciting, uncertain times. Hopeful and nervous, you wait for test time. Then by that 4th week you can't wait to test to see if this is the month. You drive yourself nuts trying not to test too early, but wanting to know this minute, but being afraid of a negative, while trying to believe it will be a positive. OIE! So then you test, and the nasty mean screen on the digital tests say clear as day "Not Pregnant" (ouch). The non-digital ones are a little less mean as they either have one line or two...at least you don't see the word "not". And depending on my mood that month, I cry and cry and cry. Sometimes I keep a brave face for awhile, and then cry later, or the next day. Sometimes (but very seldom) I feel pretty good. Frustrated and a little sad, but I think my expectations were already a bit low, so I didn't have far to fall. On the months where I was certain I had symptoms of pregnancy, the let down was severe and affected me for days. 

So, in 2 years time, I have had a lot of jabs and stabs to my heart, but with every healed wound I feel stronger and closer to God through all of this. Every negative test, every pregnancy announcement, every baby shower...they all hurt deeply. I look at the 2 year old children in our church and realize their age represents the amount of time I have been longing. I look around and see almost every single young woman I am friends with in Gravelbourg (and many back home in NS) who have had babies in the past 2 years. I've almost lost count. I am working, struggling and begging everyday for God to keep me from jealousy, depression and bitterness. Some weeks are easier than others. Oddly enough, I have more hope for my future than I did even a year ago. The unknown is scary, but I'd rather have my future in God's hands then my own.


**Just need to edit to add another thought or two
After re-reading the post I just wrote, I thought "wow, I sound like a sad, sad woman, maybe I should edit what I wrote". Then I reminded myself that it is OK that I am sad sometimes, and I will not pretend not to be. Since telling people about our struggle to conceive, we have had a lot of advice...some good, some bad, some terrible.

The advice I never want to hear again is "don't worry about it so much and it will happen." My response to this is:
#1 I am longing for a child, it's not worry, it's longing. It's natural, it's Biblical, and as long as I'm relying on God and trusting him during this time, I am justified in my longing and even a bit of sadness here and there.

#2 I don't sit around my home and pine for the day I will be pregnant. I have a busy, full life...but in those moments of down time, I have time to think about it, and it hurts a bit...but this hurt (or as some say, worry) is not what is preventing me from getting pregnant, and it is very insensitve when people say it is.

I believe in God and His plans for me more than I ever did 2 years ago, and I look forward to the day when I'm on "the other side" of this hard time. But for now I will trust Him.