Faith *during* the trials, not just after

This morning at our church service, our friend, Jeff, led a great discussion on patience and waiting and posed a question about whether or not your faith is strengthened during waiting periods. Someone answered by saying they believed your faith isn't really strengthened until you see the result of what you were waiting for. I immediately disagreed (in my head!). We have been trying to conceive for 2 years and at about the 6-12 month mark of trying I may have agreed at that time that I would not have increased or strengthened faith in God until *after* I finally got pregnant. But I was SO wrong. Through tears and prayer and digging in the Word I have come MILES from where I began by God's amazing grace and comfort. I went from grumbling to gratitude for my infertility because I would not know my God the way I know Him, or love Him the same if I hadn't endured a trialsome 2 years. (I used to think Paul was a little crazy for such gratitude even when he went through so much...now I sort of understand!)

Infertility has (in various degrees and stages) made me feel like less of a woman, made me feel as if I did something wrong or something to deserve it, made me feel bitter, angry, hurt, resentful, jealous, depressed, irritable, unfaithful, undeserving...but I am now at a point of saying "thank you Lord" for this trying time. It does not mean I don't cry at negative pregnancy tests or when another friend announces her pregnancy. It also does not mean I don't have days when I say "Lord, when is it our turn? What are you up to? Why not now?" But the way my faith has grown, and the feeling of complete assurance that God is up to something and not leaving me in the dust makes all the difference. Before I used to say "it's all in His timing", but my heart didn't believe in His timing. Now, it does. I do believe His timing, and I have gained a lot more patience knowing that He is going to bless us with children. I'm not sure how I know this exactly, but I know. It's just a matter of time...His time.

So, no, we haven't met the end of our trial. Our patience is still being tested, but my faith has, and continues to, grow and blossom while I wait upon the Lord. I can only imagine the overflow of gratitude, joy and increased faith that will come when we finally meet our child(ren).