Why teaching is hard

When I say "hard" I don't refer to the fact that a room full of energetic children can be hard to handle. I also don't mean that it is hard to teach certain skills or facts to students of various learning levels and abilities--those things are challenges--but not hard per se.

I find teaching hard because I don't think I'm supposed to do it. Last year I had a teaching contract that I never thought I would have because I thought I would be home nursing, loving and raising my baby. OK, so that didn't happen, and I'm over it. But then there is this year. Now, I'm a substitute teacher. I am very happy to be subbing (rather than contract teaching) this year as I have never been fond of a set schedule, and I love the freedom it offers. The reason it is hard is because I truly do not feel like teaching (in a school setting anyway) is what I am meant to do, and I can tell by the way my heart is not in it.

I really do care about my students, and I like working in a public setting and the interaction with people of all ages that goes along with it, but even on the best day at school, I still don't have that "right" feeling I think should go along with it. Maybe I am way too focused on feelings instead of logic, but hey, I'm a woman. If I follow my feelings, I feel like I'm meant to be a mom, I feel like I really enjoy photography and would really like to run a photography business, I feel like church work is very important to me and I'd rather volunteer time with the youth group than get paid to teach them in a public school (slightly backwards?), and lastly, I feel so good when I have time at home to be with my husband, cook meals and keep things tidy. Most of these feelings are hard to share with people of the working world because I fear that I appear lazy. I'm not lazy, I just don't know if I'm meant to be a "career woman", and I'm fortunate to have the financial and moral support of my husband so I have the choice whether or not to work

I have had this internal "debate" for some time now, and there is something about writing it out that seems to help, even if it isn't resolved.