Misery

As a christian woman who daily recognizes that God has bestowed amazing blessings on my life, and who knows the verse in James that tells us to "Count it all joy", I have a very hard time with feelings of sadness and misery. The Lord gave us a range of feelings and emotions, but if I feel or express feelings of anything but happiness, I feel guilty. The truth is, I am on a medication that is MESSING ME UP. My hormones are everywhere, I want to scream, cry and punch a hole in the wall one moment, and laugh and dance the next. I'm having hot flashes and waking up many times a night as if menopausal, and all of this is going on while I'm fighting the misery of infertility. We've been waiting 2 and a half years, and I don't kid when I say that I learn of a new pregnancy of a friend or aquaintance at least every month. In fact, sometimes they are announced within days of eachother. Each and every one sends me to my knees praying that God will take any jealousy or bitterness I'm tempted to feel, and begging Him not to let me fall into a week or two of darkness, which sometimes happens.

The Bible talks a lot about infertile women. This brings me some comfort because it makes me feel #1-like God sees the pain we're enduring, and He cares. And #2- The women who were infertile were not happy about it. Some might even call them miserable.

1 Samuel 1:9-15 [emphasis mine]

⁹ Once after a sacrificial meal at Shiloh, Hannah got up and went to pray. Eli the priest was sitting at his customary place beside the entrance of the Tabernacle.^{[d] 10} Hannah was in deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord. ¹¹ And she made this vow: “O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime, and as a sign that he has been dedicated to the Lord, his hair will never be cut.^[e]”

¹² As she was praying to the Lord, Eli watched her. ¹³ Seeing her lips moving but hearing no sound, he thought she had been drinking. ¹⁴ “Must you come here drunk?” he demanded. “Throw away your wine!”
¹⁵ “Oh no, sir!” she replied. “I haven’t been drinking wine or anything stronger. But I am very discouraged, and I was pouring out my heart to the Lord. ¹⁶ Don’t think I am a wicked woman! For I have been praying out of great anguish and sorrow.”

I don't really need to write much more here. Hannah said it all quite nicely. There are days, and even weeks when I feel just fine. I feel patient and at ease, and fully trusting in Him. Then there are days when I'm not sure if my trust has waivered, but something in my heart changes and I feel this anguish, bitter crying, sorrow, and discouragement just as Hannah described.

Thank You, God, for not leaving Hannah in her sorrow. I also know you have not left Devin and I.

1 Samuel 1:17-20 [emphasis mine]

¹⁷ Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”
¹⁸ She said, “May your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.
¹⁹ Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the Lord remembered her. ²⁰ So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel,^[b] saying, “Because I asked the Lord for him.”

There is something about God's Word that changes me so completely and wholly. I started this blog post from a place of deep longing and sadness, and am ending it feeling a renewed sense of hope and assurance. I am so thankful.

And one more passage to end on...

Psalm 121:1-8
¹ I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
² My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

⁷ The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
⁸ the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.