Is Anything too Hard for the Lord?

Woke up this morning, thinking "3 days late, might as well test". I go some months without testing at all, but sometimes I feel different, and since I'm going camping all weekend, there's no time like the present.  As per usual, this (below) is what I see. (FYI. this is from Google)

This is probably the 30th + time I have seen this answer in the last 2 years, but sometimes I remember to keep my focus fully on God, and I remember to pray before I test for Him to guard my heart no matter what the test result is. He listened, and He did guard my heart. I did not feel my heart breaking in my chest, I did not break down and cry. I actually whispered a prayer of thanks for the chance to trust Him and His plan once again. I went and picked up a daily devotional right after, hoping for a bit of inspiration I suppose. Out of 365 pages I opened up to one called "God's Promises".

(From "The One Year Mini" daily devotional. "page" November 3rd)

God's promises seem too impossible for me, how could they ever come true in my life?
God's Response
Abraham bowed down to the ground, but he laughed to himself in disbelief. "How could I become a father at the age of one hundred?" he wondered. "Besides, Sarah is ninety; how could she have a baby?" . . . "Is anything too hard for the Lord? About a year from now, just as I told you, I will return, and Sarah will have a son". . . Then the Lord did exactly what he had promised [emphasis mine]. Sarah became pregnant, and she gave a son to Abraham in his old age. It all happened at the time God had said it would. Genesis 17:17; 18:14; 21:1-2

The devotional went on to say how we are to live faithfully, and God will worry about how He will fulfill His promises to us, it's not our job to worry. It also says that He will lead us to unexpected and incredible places.  I don't believe in coincidences, I believe God places things like this devotional, or people, or Scriptures, or even the beauty of nature in our path to encourage us and remind us "I'm right here, I haven't left you".  Lord, THANK YOU.

On a different, but not unrelated note, I got a call from my fertility specialist Dr. a couple of days ago, and told me I have a low functioning or underactive thyroid, Hmm! So interesting.The reason why it's interesting is because at my last appointment when he told me I had to go for more bloodwork to check a few hormones, I, out of the blue, asked him to check my thyroid one more time. So he did, and sure enough, it's not working properly. I knew that an overactive or underactive thyroid can be a reason for many problems, one being infertility. After doing further reading online, I'm now seeing it's very closely connected and throws off hormones. Of course, after speaking to my Doctor, thoughts race through my mind. "Is this IT? Is this the reason I can't get pregnant?" "Did I ask the Doctor about my thyroid because God is showing me an answer?" "Is THIS the answer?"

I will be seeing my family Doctor soon and she is going to prescribe medication for my thyroid. My heart is full of hope that when my thyroid function is corrected, we may conceive. While hypothyroidism may be bad news for some people, I am grateful to have a hint at a possible reason for why we're not getting pregnant.

God sweats the small stuff

I hear people say this a lot, and I'm sure I have too, that sometimes we don't think we should pray for "small stuff" because God has enough to take care of, and our "small problems" are nothing compared to the world's larger ones. Well, God is Almighty, Omnipotent, Omnipresent and All Good...He can do anything He wants and He has no problem listening to our heart's woes no matter how small we think they are. It's such a relief!

This past week my sweet dog, Rudy, was literally "sick as a dog". She started vomiting in the middle of the night, and did so probably every 30 minutes for the next 24 hours. She couldn't even keep a drop of water down, she was lifeless, she was starting to shake with what I assume was a fever. My sweet, vibrant pup was acting like a dying old dog. After a sleepless night with her and a busy week working at VBS, my emotions were getting to me and I was genuinely starting to worry. The VBS theme was "everything is possible with God", and we reminded the kids that no matter what, they can trust God. Even though that message was for the kids, it reminded me to do the same.

Around 6:30 Rudy vomited again, she immediately drank water because she was so dehydrated. So even though I felt slightly silly, I put my hands on her and I pleaded for God to let this water stay down and rehydrate her body. Well, she fell asleep on me for 3 solid hours and didn`t get up once to vomit. Every hour that passed, I praised God for hearing my prayer and helping my little Rudy. By the time we went to bed she still hadn`t vomited since 6:30. In the middle of the night she went to the tub to get a drink, but drank too much, too fast, and threw it up, but that was the last time. The next morning, she was more vibrant and was sniffing for food. She ate a few bites of food and her tail was finally curled again. I was, and am, SO thankful! Ì`m not sure what was wrong with her, but God healed her!

I think we are quick to miss God in the small stuff (or even the big). When people are sick, doctors and medicine are there to test and medicate and soothe them so when they become healthy again, it is sometimes assumed it was from their medical care. However, with a dog, you can`t force the proper fluids, pills or food into them no matter how hard you try, they just suffer through it. So when I saw this drastic turnaround with Rudy`s health, I knew God was working.

To some people, a dog is a dog. Rudy is often very hyper when we have guests and she licks way too much. But when it`s just Devin and I, she is cuddly, calm, sleepy, playful and adorable. She follows me around the house and sometimes even sits on the bath mat and waits for me as I shower. She knows when I`ve taken something out of the fridge to dice or chop and she`s standing right underneath me waiting for a prize to drop. She prefers me most of the time, but will only sleep comfortably with Devin. She is such a special little part of our house. I like to think that God knows how special she is to us, and He spared her from whatever this illness was.  God reveals himself in such interesting ways. He has once again shown me how much He loves me.

2 years

This post is not about a happy celebration of 2 years for a birthday or anniversary or great life event. This 2 years I'm writing about is about a wait. A wait to be a mother, a wait for my husband to become a father. 2 years ago, this month, Devin and I both felt it was the right time to start trying to have a child. (I now feel a bit of irritation towards the phrase "start trying", but that's a different story). With stars in our eyes and baby names on our mind we thought "oh, it might take 2 or 3 months, but this year, we will have our very own baby! Now, I don't want to sound jaded and bitter, because, by the grace of God and through His strength, I'm actually not. God has kept my heart soft these past 2 years, though many months I wanted to harden it and spit at the world and isolate myself. He has humbled me, blessed me and reminded me that He is not punishing me...He is right here.

In the life of a woman waiting to have a baby, everything is cut up into month long intervals. So there is week one of the month, when you know you're not pregnant, but are hopeful for week 2 because "this might be the month". Then week 2 and 3 are the exciting, uncertain times. Hopeful and nervous, you wait for test time. Then by that 4th week you can't wait to test to see if this is the month. You drive yourself nuts trying not to test too early, but wanting to know this minute, but being afraid of a negative, while trying to believe it will be a positive. OIE! So then you test, and the nasty mean screen on the digital tests say clear as day "Not Pregnant" (ouch). The non-digital ones are a little less mean as they either have one line or two...at least you don't see the word "not". And depending on my mood that month, I cry and cry and cry. Sometimes I keep a brave face for awhile, and then cry later, or the next day. Sometimes (but very seldom) I feel pretty good. Frustrated and a little sad, but I think my expectations were already a bit low, so I didn't have far to fall. On the months where I was certain I had symptoms of pregnancy, the let down was severe and affected me for days. 

So, in 2 years time, I have had a lot of jabs and stabs to my heart, but with every healed wound I feel stronger and closer to God through all of this. Every negative test, every pregnancy announcement, every baby shower...they all hurt deeply. I look at the 2 year old children in our church and realize their age represents the amount of time I have been longing. I look around and see almost every single young woman I am friends with in Gravelbourg (and many back home in NS) who have had babies in the past 2 years. I've almost lost count. I am working, struggling and begging everyday for God to keep me from jealousy, depression and bitterness. Some weeks are easier than others. Oddly enough, I have more hope for my future than I did even a year ago. The unknown is scary, but I'd rather have my future in God's hands then my own.


**Just need to edit to add another thought or two
After re-reading the post I just wrote, I thought "wow, I sound like a sad, sad woman, maybe I should edit what I wrote". Then I reminded myself that it is OK that I am sad sometimes, and I will not pretend not to be. Since telling people about our struggle to conceive, we have had a lot of advice...some good, some bad, some terrible.

The advice I never want to hear again is "don't worry about it so much and it will happen." My response to this is:
#1 I am longing for a child, it's not worry, it's longing. It's natural, it's Biblical, and as long as I'm relying on God and trusting him during this time, I am justified in my longing and even a bit of sadness here and there.

#2 I don't sit around my home and pine for the day I will be pregnant. I have a busy, full life...but in those moments of down time, I have time to think about it, and it hurts a bit...but this hurt (or as some say, worry) is not what is preventing me from getting pregnant, and it is very insensitve when people say it is.

I believe in God and His plans for me more than I ever did 2 years ago, and I look forward to the day when I'm on "the other side" of this hard time. But for now I will trust Him.

Forever Yours

I just heard the song Forever Yours by Michael W. Smith. I'm not his biggest fan, I find his voice a bit "80's" and his lyrics sometimes cheesey...but these lyrics spoke to me. Yes, they definitely have an element of cheese...but sometimes there is just no way to avoid it when you're talking about love.

Devin and I have been married for 3 years, and I'm still overwhelmed by the joy and love I find in my marriage. We have not had a "bump-free" road, but it has just helped us grow and become "refined" as  individuals and a couple. I feel so much love for this man, sometimes I think my heart will burst--but instead my eyes seem to just overflow with tears :) I am so thankful for my marriage and the amazing man God gave me.

Forever Yours- Michael W. Smith

I'm swept away in this moment
I feel your heartbeat next to mine
My hands are trembling
 Its overwhelming, a whisper breaks through the silence
A vow to test the breath of time until forever, I'll be forever yours
Not just tonight, I'm by your side for all your life till death comes between us
And the heavens steal you away
 I'll stay, yours forever don't you worry, don't be afraid
A heart can shift like a shadow
The deepest passion start to wake
Stay ever tender, never surrender
Come waltz with me through the twilight,
 and we will dance as seasons pass we move together 
I'll be forever yours
So hold me tight say you'll be mine,
For all your life,
'til death comes between us and the heavens steal you away 
I'll stay yours forever don't you worry, don't be afraid
Come what may
So what we have is this moment
But moments come and go so fast
Until forever, Ill be forever yours
There is no other, I am forever yours

Loving Children

I've always considered myself a "kid-lover". I have worked with kids since I was legally able to have a job, and babysat even before that. I have played with, taught and talked to hundreds of kids through day camps, day cares, elementary schools, high schools, family, friends, church, babysitters courses, and Sunday School. I think it's a passion I didn't really even know I had until I was already in it. I always knew I "liked" kids...but truthfully I often did not look forward to my long days of work or volunteering with noisey, messy, needy children. I would enjoy the odd cuddle or hug or laugh with them, but many days my heart wasn't in it.  This year is the first year I have had a teaching contract, and it has been a great job at a great school with only 8 great kids. But truth be told, there were many days this year when I had no interest in getting up and going to school.  But I thought I "loved" kids? Shouldn't I love going to see them and teach them and just be with them?  I blame part of my apathy on the fact that I struggled not to be depressed this year by my longing for my own children, but still, shouldn't I have enjoyed the lovely little ones that were in my care? Well, I do now...although I only have 6 days of Kindergarten left this year.

It started last week, Sunday night I believe. I had a dream about a boy in my class who challenges me, to say the least. But this dream was pleasant and lovely. I don't remember anything about the dream except I felt genuine love for this boy, and he ran into my arms with his big dimply smile and gave me a big hug, and when I woke up, I felt different. I really can't explain it, but all this week I looked forward to seeing him and my other Kindergarten kids. I looked forward to our hugs and our coversations and even to drying their tears. I felt love for these kids.  Last night I had another dream. I woke up in the middle of the night and was feeling a deep sadness and longing for the children we don't have yet, and prayed something, but I can't remember what. I must have quickly fallen asleep because I had a smililar dream with the same boy, and then just had images of my Kindergarten kids in my mind. I don't remember any conversation or anything specific, but it felt like a message straight from God...the more I think about it today the more I believe it's true. God was showing me in my dream He has already put many children in my path to teach, guide and love. These 8 precious children who were created in His image with unique gifts and characteristics. HOW AM I JUST SEEING THIS? I know they are not mine per se, but I have a large impact on their lives, and I will forever be their "first school teacher", and things I say and do can and will impact their lives. God may not have given us a son or daughter to call our own yet, but I believe He has placed beautiful children all around us to love on and encourage and protect.  What an awesome God we serve. I am SO thankful that God used these 2 dreams to literally open my eyes and show me His gifts. Immediately after crying out to Him in the middle of the night, He answered my prayer with a dream and an answer.

So this past week in my classroom there has been more patience for my sweet class and the other students my my school, more hugs, more kneeling down and listening to cute stories, more sympathy for "owies" that need Band-Aids, more kind words, more fun, more love and more laughter.

Lord, I thank you for the 8 beautiful children You have brought into my life through my job this year, and the many other children around us that we have been blessed to know and love. Amen.

Making it through the hard stuff first

I was just on Pinterest and was about to click off to come write on my blog, when I saw this picture above. It's message is simple, but it is EXACTLY what I am feeling today. I took yet another pregnancy test this morning after being 4 WEEKS late...It was negative. So this means, not only am I not pregnant, but I haven't had my period in 2 straight months...I am never irregular. Excellent. Let's add that to the list of possible reasons I can't get pregnant. I am fighting fear DAILY. The fear that it will take years and tests and pain and tears before I will ever become pregnant, IF I ever do. I pray sometimes moment by moment that God will not let me give in to the fear and the bitterness and the anxiety. As hard as I pray, as much as I lean on my husband and my parents and some friends, some days I just can't see the light.

People say things like "it's going to happen" or"just stop stressing and it will happen" (which, by the way is practically impossible to stop stressing altogether, ANNOYING to hear, and not totally true since women around the world with all SORTS of stress get pregnant everyday--so if you know me, please never say that to me). I want to be full of light and hope and brimming with faith that I will someday be pregnant--and while I'm hopeful that God is faithful and has a plan--I am NOT sure I will ever give birth to a child. There are many women who just DON'T have babies. Wow, I just noticed how many words I capitalized in this post.

I am supposed to go for a dye test in the next month or two (properly known as a Hysterosalpingogram test). I was fine with the idea, but now have been told by 4 different women that it was the most painful experience they have ever had outside of childbirth. I'm so frustrated and tired of the feeling that I'm broken. I feel broken emotionally and physically, and I'm grasping onto the Father so I don't feel broken spiritually.

I need to remember that it will get better somehow, I just need to make it through the hard stuff first.

Disappointed

In my human blindness I fail to see His grand plan. I fail to feel Him near me at times. I fail to hear words of encouragement from Him or my loved ones. Sometimes I just feel angry. Lately I've been at peace with our wait for a baby blessing, and feeling like it's in His hands and everything will work out perfectly in His perfect time...and as much as I try to grasp onto that knowledge or feeling, and I try to write it all down so I can read it in hard times, the hard times wash over me like a tidal wave. This tidal wave leaves me in tears, despair, lonliness, and chaos. I can't "remember" that feeling of peace, no matter how hard I try. It angers me. I'm angry at myself, at the world, at God and at Satan. I'm angry that we're separated from God on the earth and sometimes I just feel so lost I can't even think straight let alone pray. I am so glad God is big enough and loving enough to accept and forgive me tantrums...because I can have some big ones.

This morning, after being 2 weeks late, I decided to test to see if our long awaited child was on it's way. Both Devin and I were quite hopeful. Devin's always slightly hopeful and after 20 some negative tests I just am not...but this time, I guess I had a little glimmer of hope. Well, that glimmer faded fast and I threw on big comfy clothes and went to my reading nook with my Bible to cry and cry and try to read something in His word that would bring me hope or encouragament or make sense of all of this. Then Devin woke up and found me a mess of tears and just held me. I'm so glad he knows not to say anything when I'm that sad, hurt and disappointed...because I would probably lash out at him. Instead he just holds me in his arms and makes me feel so safe even when I feel so angry and sad. He is such a blessing.

After crying out to God, I know He hears me even though He feels so far away. I know He loves me and forgives my unfaithfulness, I know there will be a brighter day coming soon.