Next month will be the 12th month since we started trying to conceive. There may have been a month or 2 within that year where Devin was away on a course or something...but it still *feels* like a year. My heart is so darn sore tonight. It seems to be a daily or weekly event lately where I discover about a new pregnancy of a friend, aquauntance or FB friend. It's a bittersweet feeling because I feel overjoyed for the newly pregnant women, but sad for my non-pregnant self. Today alone I found out about 2 pregnancies.
I have a fear of discovering a major problem that is causing my infertility...and for that reason I have not visited the doctor about this issue..yet. I am actively charting my cycle this month, temping every morning, remembering to take my prenatal vitamins, but my hope is so dashed that I have a hard time believing I'll ever see a positive test. Some days are far worse than others, and some days I feel content and trust that it's just not "my timing yet". *Sigh*
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Almost Saved
This guy says it all. He's talking about people who call themselves Christians, but are niether hot or cold. They don't deny God, but they aren't on fire for Him. They're neutral and ineffective for the Kingdom. I know I have definitely been there..and it's hard to admit it.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Simplicity
Simple things make me so happy. They make me feel relaxed and peaceful. Tonight I was enjoying a few of these simple things, and thought I would share them with photos.
The wonderful and comforting smell of banana muffins baking in the oven.
Learning to knit with new yarn and needles.
Puppy kisses and cuddles.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Adoption
For a couple of months now, I have been pondering the idea of adoption and praying about it, asking God where this idea came from, and if it was Him speaking to me, or just an idea that came from 6 months of unsuccessfully conceiving. In my heart, I don't feel this "idea" is just a plan B to having a biological child of our own..it just feels "right". I presented this thought to Devin about a month ago. I asked him if he thought it was possible that we aren't getting pregnant *right away* because God wants us to stop and think and listen to Him. For instance, if we had conceived within the first month or 2, would we have even stopped to consider adopting?
Devin responded positively, but wasn't overly invested in the idea. He wasn't totally comfortable with it yet, and hadn't thought a lot about it before. Last night I went for a long walk and prayed about all of it. I just asked God to give me some more clarity on the subject. "Should we wait?" Should we act?" "Is there a child out there that is supposed to be ours?" So, today when Devin was home for his lunch break, he said "so what have you been learning about adoption?" (referring to all of the reading I've been doing on it). I filled him in on some details about the process, and then he went on to say that he was thinking seriously about it and he was listening to this song by Guy Penrod about raising and caring for a child, and it sort of just struck him that adopting might be something we should do. I was moved to tears because I felt this was an answer to prayer. Part of my anxiety about even considering adoption was that I thought it was just my idea and possibly not Devin's..or God's. But just one day after praying for clarity, my husband tells me he's on board with looking more seriously into it. To me, this is a big step toward clarity on the issue. It's like God is speaking to Devin and I at different times, about the same thing, and bringing us together on it.
I don't yet know where all of this will lead to, but I am excited and anticipating what God has in store for us. I love our faithful Father.
Devin responded positively, but wasn't overly invested in the idea. He wasn't totally comfortable with it yet, and hadn't thought a lot about it before. Last night I went for a long walk and prayed about all of it. I just asked God to give me some more clarity on the subject. "Should we wait?" Should we act?" "Is there a child out there that is supposed to be ours?" So, today when Devin was home for his lunch break, he said "so what have you been learning about adoption?" (referring to all of the reading I've been doing on it). I filled him in on some details about the process, and then he went on to say that he was thinking seriously about it and he was listening to this song by Guy Penrod about raising and caring for a child, and it sort of just struck him that adopting might be something we should do. I was moved to tears because I felt this was an answer to prayer. Part of my anxiety about even considering adoption was that I thought it was just my idea and possibly not Devin's..or God's. But just one day after praying for clarity, my husband tells me he's on board with looking more seriously into it. To me, this is a big step toward clarity on the issue. It's like God is speaking to Devin and I at different times, about the same thing, and bringing us together on it.
I don't yet know where all of this will lead to, but I am excited and anticipating what God has in store for us. I love our faithful Father.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Oh so safe
After watching the movie "Bordertown" with Jennifer Lopez and Antonio Banderas, I am just overwhelmed by the conditions that MILLIONS of people in our world live in, while I sit, sleep, play, work and worship so safely day in and day out. The movie was based on true events in Juarez, Mexico--which is also currently the murder capital of the world. The plot was about these factories built on the American/Mexican border that Mexican women work in for long hours and barely any money. These women were/are not being safely transported to and from these factories and hundreds have ended up raped and murdered, and the police and other authorities have done everything they could to cover it up so the Americans would not cut off the "free trade" agreement they had going on..along with many other corrupt reasons I'd assume.
It just made me ill, the helplessness of these women and girls. They had no rights, no respect and no safety. I rarely stop to think of my safety unless I'm driving on an icy road or walking on a city street late at night (which my parents repeatedly begged me never to do). I take it for granted that the men I interact with everyday are trustworthy and respectful to me and other women. I take for granted that I can attend church any day of the week and freely praise my Saviour without fear of persecution (at least not legal or physical). I take for granted that I have job opportunities and education, and I do not have to be herded into a factory for at least 12 hours a day, with no money to show for it. The story of these women of Juarez just breaks my heart.
I thank God for my safety, and I pray that I will not take it for granted anymore, but appreciate it and remember to pray for those who are never safe in this world. I doubt I will ever fully understand the trials faced by so many of these women of Juarez, but I do want to faithfully pray for this city that is so desperately in need of God.
It just made me ill, the helplessness of these women and girls. They had no rights, no respect and no safety. I rarely stop to think of my safety unless I'm driving on an icy road or walking on a city street late at night (which my parents repeatedly begged me never to do). I take it for granted that the men I interact with everyday are trustworthy and respectful to me and other women. I take for granted that I can attend church any day of the week and freely praise my Saviour without fear of persecution (at least not legal or physical). I take for granted that I have job opportunities and education, and I do not have to be herded into a factory for at least 12 hours a day, with no money to show for it. The story of these women of Juarez just breaks my heart.
I thank God for my safety, and I pray that I will not take it for granted anymore, but appreciate it and remember to pray for those who are never safe in this world. I doubt I will ever fully understand the trials faced by so many of these women of Juarez, but I do want to faithfully pray for this city that is so desperately in need of God.
Friday, January 28, 2011
New Life
If you have a pulse, it's likely you're part of this group too. The group, called human kind, that is enthralled and excited and moved to tears by new life. My dear friend Jenna (whom I have known since the basketball court as a kid, to my opponent on the court during middle school, to a nice friend in high school, to a best friend in University, to my first apartment roomate, to my bridesmaid, and then 2 weeks later I was her bridesmaid!) gave birth to her first bundle of love, Layla Marie, late last night. She was 9lb. 7 oz. ! Which was no surprise since her (layla's) momma and all of her uncles on the Dunn side were BIG babies, and are all now very tall people.
Seeing her picture on her Daddy's FB this morning just blew me away! Aside from my nephews, I have never looked so intently at a baby with such awe and adoration. To think that a friend I have known since childhood is now a mother to her own child...it really just leaves me speechless. Sometimes I stop to think about how this little bean grows into a human inside of another human until it's "ready" and then it leaves the bigger human and becomes it's own individual. It's something we know in our minds..but to *really* pause and think about this miracle--it is awesome.
I did not realize how much this birth would impact me. I am so thrilled for Jenna and Lamar.
Another wonderful, miraculous baby story I heard today was from a classmate I had during my undergrad in University. In less than 2 months, she will be bringing home a brand new baby boy from the hospital via adoption. After enduring fertility problems and a miscarriage, this beautiful, faithful couple will become parents. It just fills my heart. Praise God.
Seeing her picture on her Daddy's FB this morning just blew me away! Aside from my nephews, I have never looked so intently at a baby with such awe and adoration. To think that a friend I have known since childhood is now a mother to her own child...it really just leaves me speechless. Sometimes I stop to think about how this little bean grows into a human inside of another human until it's "ready" and then it leaves the bigger human and becomes it's own individual. It's something we know in our minds..but to *really* pause and think about this miracle--it is awesome.
I did not realize how much this birth would impact me. I am so thrilled for Jenna and Lamar.
Another wonderful, miraculous baby story I heard today was from a classmate I had during my undergrad in University. In less than 2 months, she will be bringing home a brand new baby boy from the hospital via adoption. After enduring fertility problems and a miscarriage, this beautiful, faithful couple will become parents. It just fills my heart. Praise God.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Dear Daddy
Though I'm 24 and married, living across the country from you, with 3 jobs, a dog, hobbies and my own home...I'm still your little girl.
I still think about some of our tender moments from my childhood (and adulthood) with tears in my eyes. I think about some of the senseless, hilarious moments we had at the breakfast table. I think about countless hours of watching basketball and baseball on tv with you, and countless conversations about money, cars and other "Dad topics" on the telephone. I think about how I have never once in my life been afraid that I would not have a man to love and support me, because I knew that when the boyfriends broke my heart, my Dad would still be there. I think about the fact that I may not know or love my Heavenly Father today if you had not shown me how a good, earthly, father can love me, so my Heavenly Father, in all His perfection, must love me that much and more! I love to think about those moments during my childhood when sleep didn't come easy for me, but you would talk me back to sleep, and make jokes that my teeth were so white they glowed in the dark. I think, with thanksgiving, of the example you set for me, that life *does* have absolutes, right and wrong, and we are to very intentionally live righteously. It does not mean we're even *close* to perfect, but I thank you for showing me that me must try every day to put others first, to choose the narrow path, and to live by high standards.
So, on your birthday tomorrow, may you have joy in knowing that you are SO loved.
Happy Birthday.
Love, Your baby girl
I still think about some of our tender moments from my childhood (and adulthood) with tears in my eyes. I think about some of the senseless, hilarious moments we had at the breakfast table. I think about countless hours of watching basketball and baseball on tv with you, and countless conversations about money, cars and other "Dad topics" on the telephone. I think about how I have never once in my life been afraid that I would not have a man to love and support me, because I knew that when the boyfriends broke my heart, my Dad would still be there. I think about the fact that I may not know or love my Heavenly Father today if you had not shown me how a good, earthly, father can love me, so my Heavenly Father, in all His perfection, must love me that much and more! I love to think about those moments during my childhood when sleep didn't come easy for me, but you would talk me back to sleep, and make jokes that my teeth were so white they glowed in the dark. I think, with thanksgiving, of the example you set for me, that life *does* have absolutes, right and wrong, and we are to very intentionally live righteously. It does not mean we're even *close* to perfect, but I thank you for showing me that me must try every day to put others first, to choose the narrow path, and to live by high standards.
So, on your birthday tomorrow, may you have joy in knowing that you are SO loved.
Happy Birthday.
Love, Your baby girl
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