I think about you many times a day. I often wonder how we will be blessed with the gift of you...and when? I wonder what you will look like, what colour your eyes will be, what your hair will feel like. I can't wait to see you play and cuddle and giggle with your Daddy. He will love you more than he's ever loved anything. Oh, how I will love you...I do already. I will watch you sleep, and laugh with you, and play in blanket forts with you when you get a bit older. I will hold you when you're sick, sad or scared. I will be there to watch your successes and encourage you through failures.
I can't wait to meet you.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Friendship
friend (noun): A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
Based on my experiences this week, I think I will have to disagree with this definition to a point. Friendship is not just a noun, it is a verb. It is an action. It does not have to be between the same sex or people of a similar age. It does not have to be between those with similar interests or even those who live nearby.
I have discovered an immense, overwhelming power this week through the act of friendship. In my weakness and vulnerability this week God has sent heaps of wonderful people my way to uplift me and actively help me see through the pain with their love, prayers, hugs, books, words, gifts, time.
In the (almost) year and a half that we've been trying to conceive, I think I hit my lowest this past week. Perhaps it was a mix of things on top of the inability to conceive...but I was just low. When Devin was working the night shift on Friday I just sat in the living room chair and cried. Nothing particular triggered the tears, they just fell. The following morning while Devin was sleeping off the night shift, I just roamed the house and cried, sat at the computer and cried, ate my cereal and cried some more.
Then my dear angel friend texted and asked if I would like to take a walk with her. I truthfully did not think I had it in me. I didn't think I could dry the tears and smile long enough to pretend I was okay for this friend. I am not sure why I felt I needed to do this as I have cried to her and confided in her many times before...but this time felt different. But, I went, and it was just the turn-around my week needed. Her listening ear, her gentle and wise advice, her ability to not say "stupid stuff" to try to comfort me just lifted me higher and higher out of that pit. The following day at church a dear woman offered a lot of hugs and encouragement, and left a book and some tea hanging on my door this afternoon. The thougtfulness of her actions and the knowledge that she's praying for me is lifting me up even higher. Then there is Devin, my sweet Devin, who does not try to offer empty encouragement, but always remains positive. Just the joy I feel from being with him and walking and talking with him is enough to take away a significant amount of pain. He is my best friend.
These past three days have been a ridiculous turn-around for me. I was at my lowest and am now feeling "back to normal" (what ever that is) and trusting in God again and repenting for my lack of faith and trust.
Just so I will remember these moments of support when I look back on this blog someday, I want to write a few more examples of the active friendship I have had the pleasure of experiencing over these past few months:
- My friend, Jenn, has walked with me, talked with me, offered me great books to read, prayed for me, cried with me, and I KNOW and FEEL her love. She is a blessing straight from the father.
-Many women (and a few men) in my church that encourage and support us, pray for us, e mail us, ask how we are doing, and genuinely want to hear the answer.
- Maxine, who offered hugs and encouragement at church yesterday and left me some Saskatoon Berry tea and an encouraging book hanging on my doorknob.
- A dear friend from University who is also struggling with fertility issues at the moment, but takes time to pray for me and ask how we're doing frequently.
- Donna, who has given me so much insight and advice on adoption and opened my eyes to this whole other world.
- Natasha who sent a thoughtful and encouraging book all the way from Korea for us...and who I know is praying for me <3
- My parents who continue to pray for us and offer encouragement all the time, while remaining positive and not focusing on the negative.
- Many friends, new and old, who we connect with by either phone, Facebook or in person who have given us hope, listened to our hearts, and offer us the active, true friendship that we need during this hard time.
- My dear mother-in-law who phoned one night just to encourage me and tell me she was praying...it meant so much.
When I count the people who have blessed me just in this one struggle alone, I am overwhelmed and overjoyed. Thank you, thank you, thank you Jesus.
Lord, how could I ask you where You have been? You have been in the offerings of love and friendship from each of these dear souls. You have been in the warm sun and the brilliant moon each day this week, You have been in the longs hugs with my dear husband, You have been in the Scriptures, You have been here all along.
Based on my experiences this week, I think I will have to disagree with this definition to a point. Friendship is not just a noun, it is a verb. It is an action. It does not have to be between the same sex or people of a similar age. It does not have to be between those with similar interests or even those who live nearby.
I have discovered an immense, overwhelming power this week through the act of friendship. In my weakness and vulnerability this week God has sent heaps of wonderful people my way to uplift me and actively help me see through the pain with their love, prayers, hugs, books, words, gifts, time.
In the (almost) year and a half that we've been trying to conceive, I think I hit my lowest this past week. Perhaps it was a mix of things on top of the inability to conceive...but I was just low. When Devin was working the night shift on Friday I just sat in the living room chair and cried. Nothing particular triggered the tears, they just fell. The following morning while Devin was sleeping off the night shift, I just roamed the house and cried, sat at the computer and cried, ate my cereal and cried some more.
Then my dear angel friend texted and asked if I would like to take a walk with her. I truthfully did not think I had it in me. I didn't think I could dry the tears and smile long enough to pretend I was okay for this friend. I am not sure why I felt I needed to do this as I have cried to her and confided in her many times before...but this time felt different. But, I went, and it was just the turn-around my week needed. Her listening ear, her gentle and wise advice, her ability to not say "stupid stuff" to try to comfort me just lifted me higher and higher out of that pit. The following day at church a dear woman offered a lot of hugs and encouragement, and left a book and some tea hanging on my door this afternoon. The thougtfulness of her actions and the knowledge that she's praying for me is lifting me up even higher. Then there is Devin, my sweet Devin, who does not try to offer empty encouragement, but always remains positive. Just the joy I feel from being with him and walking and talking with him is enough to take away a significant amount of pain. He is my best friend.
These past three days have been a ridiculous turn-around for me. I was at my lowest and am now feeling "back to normal" (what ever that is) and trusting in God again and repenting for my lack of faith and trust.
Just so I will remember these moments of support when I look back on this blog someday, I want to write a few more examples of the active friendship I have had the pleasure of experiencing over these past few months:
- My friend, Jenn, has walked with me, talked with me, offered me great books to read, prayed for me, cried with me, and I KNOW and FEEL her love. She is a blessing straight from the father.
-Many women (and a few men) in my church that encourage and support us, pray for us, e mail us, ask how we are doing, and genuinely want to hear the answer.
- Maxine, who offered hugs and encouragement at church yesterday and left me some Saskatoon Berry tea and an encouraging book hanging on my doorknob.
- A dear friend from University who is also struggling with fertility issues at the moment, but takes time to pray for me and ask how we're doing frequently.
- Donna, who has given me so much insight and advice on adoption and opened my eyes to this whole other world.
- Natasha who sent a thoughtful and encouraging book all the way from Korea for us...and who I know is praying for me <3
- My parents who continue to pray for us and offer encouragement all the time, while remaining positive and not focusing on the negative.
- Many friends, new and old, who we connect with by either phone, Facebook or in person who have given us hope, listened to our hearts, and offer us the active, true friendship that we need during this hard time.
- My dear mother-in-law who phoned one night just to encourage me and tell me she was praying...it meant so much.
When I count the people who have blessed me just in this one struggle alone, I am overwhelmed and overjoyed. Thank you, thank you, thank you Jesus.
Lord, how could I ask you where You have been? You have been in the offerings of love and friendship from each of these dear souls. You have been in the warm sun and the brilliant moon each day this week, You have been in the longs hugs with my dear husband, You have been in the Scriptures, You have been here all along.
.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Sadness
This sadness is like a huge storm cloud, it moves in when it pleases, rains on me for awhile, and then moves away until another day. My heart is so sore lately.
I don't think I have ever struggled with anything this much before. Where I have to pray many times a day just to breathe and move and function. Smiling through the pregnancy and birth announcements of friends, family and aquaintances. Faking enthusiasm for my Kindergarten class when I just want to be in bed. It's not that I am constantly miserable. I am reasonably happy and of course I know my situation could be much worse and is not without hope, but there are days when my mind won't tell my heart that, and I just cry. Yesterday I cried because I couldn't find any coloured pencils or crayons...I was SO upset. Of course I wasn't crying over lost crayons...but still...seriously.
My sensitivity to EVERYTHING is over the top lately. Loud noises, multiple conversations or noises at once, lost things, dropping things, songs, commercials, insensitive comments, pregnancies, the dog, cooking supper...I need to get a grip!
Tonight is a good night of coffee, pj's, a sleeping dog and YouTube. Ahhhh...
I don't think I have ever struggled with anything this much before. Where I have to pray many times a day just to breathe and move and function. Smiling through the pregnancy and birth announcements of friends, family and aquaintances. Faking enthusiasm for my Kindergarten class when I just want to be in bed. It's not that I am constantly miserable. I am reasonably happy and of course I know my situation could be much worse and is not without hope, but there are days when my mind won't tell my heart that, and I just cry. Yesterday I cried because I couldn't find any coloured pencils or crayons...I was SO upset. Of course I wasn't crying over lost crayons...but still...seriously.
My sensitivity to EVERYTHING is over the top lately. Loud noises, multiple conversations or noises at once, lost things, dropping things, songs, commercials, insensitive comments, pregnancies, the dog, cooking supper...I need to get a grip!
Tonight is a good night of coffee, pj's, a sleeping dog and YouTube. Ahhhh...
Saturday, December 31, 2011
A New Year
Today is New Year's Eve 2011. When I was a kid/teen this day literally caused me anxiety, excitement, anticipation and upset all at the same time. I used to believe in New Year's Resolutions, and that "this year would be different". Praise God that over the years He has removed that anxiety from my life and helped me realize that we can and should be better, do better, and live better everyday and not just resolve to do so on December 31st.
This does not mean I am even CLOSE to having it all together or that I don't need to "eat better", "lose weight", "exercise more" or "spend more time with family" as I think 90% of Canadians probably hope for each new year...I understand that these are good and honourable goals. But if I sit down on December 31st and promise myself these things, and next week after a long day of Kindergarten I just don't want to work out and I would rather eat a chocolate bar and watch TV, would that mean my resolution is vetoed? Probably not, but it still makes me feel like a failure. So I think my *main* resolution this year is not any large promise to myself, but a series of 365 little promises. I would like to try to wake up everyday with a goal or "resolution", and by the end of that day I would hope to have achieved all or part of that goal.
At the end of our Christmas visit to my family in Nova Scotia this past Wednesday, I was totally sticken with sadness. Not just the regular "I miss my parents and province" sadness, but I felt so hopeless and so angry and so discontent all at once. I was mad that I had to go back to Saskatchewan, and mad that I can't watch my neice and nephew grow and become cuter by the day, and sad that I didn't have my mom to walk with me as we face this unknown infertilitty, and frustrated that we were leaving everyone behind just for a job in Saskatchewn...a job?! But then over the past few days, my ever-patient, ever-loving Lord spoke truth into my life and reminded me that my life is not for me, it is for Him. He gave me this life and He can take it away. I am 99% sure that Devin is supposed to be in the RCMP and I am supposed to be in this Kindergarten job for now, and we are supposed to be in this friendly, lovely little community in Gravelbourg. The hopeless discontent has lifted, and feelings of joy and peace has taken over.
I don't feel the need to make an official resolution for 2012, but I do have goals and hopes. I most definitely want to draw nearer to God and resist the Devil and flee from the temptation to be discontent and unhappy with my most blessed and wonderful life.
Some of my hopes for 2012:
1. I hope to become a mother, whether through natural birth or adoption.
2. I hope to receive even more peace from God about everything: infertility, marriage, where we live, jobs, money etc.
3. I hope to be healthier by the end of the year. I would truly like to do more vigorous excercise and learn how to make new and healthier recipes, and get enough sleep, and lose some weight.
4. I hope to improve my "friendship skills" by being more hospitable and being the first to call or write, rather than wait for others to do so.
5. I hope to find joy in teaching Kindergarten, and that joy will overflow into the effort I put into my job.
There are more, but I think I'll leave it at this. I plan to wake up each morning this year and ask God to reveal Himself and His plan for me that day, and surrender it all to Him.
If you're reading this, I wish you a happy and blessed year to come. I pray that you find yourself in a closer relationship with God at the end of this year, and if you don't know Him yet, that you will find the joy and peace that comes with knowing and serving Him. A relationship with God is a priceless gift that makes life worth living.
God Bless you and Happy 2012.
Holly
This does not mean I am even CLOSE to having it all together or that I don't need to "eat better", "lose weight", "exercise more" or "spend more time with family" as I think 90% of Canadians probably hope for each new year...I understand that these are good and honourable goals. But if I sit down on December 31st and promise myself these things, and next week after a long day of Kindergarten I just don't want to work out and I would rather eat a chocolate bar and watch TV, would that mean my resolution is vetoed? Probably not, but it still makes me feel like a failure. So I think my *main* resolution this year is not any large promise to myself, but a series of 365 little promises. I would like to try to wake up everyday with a goal or "resolution", and by the end of that day I would hope to have achieved all or part of that goal.
At the end of our Christmas visit to my family in Nova Scotia this past Wednesday, I was totally sticken with sadness. Not just the regular "I miss my parents and province" sadness, but I felt so hopeless and so angry and so discontent all at once. I was mad that I had to go back to Saskatchewan, and mad that I can't watch my neice and nephew grow and become cuter by the day, and sad that I didn't have my mom to walk with me as we face this unknown infertilitty, and frustrated that we were leaving everyone behind just for a job in Saskatchewn...a job?! But then over the past few days, my ever-patient, ever-loving Lord spoke truth into my life and reminded me that my life is not for me, it is for Him. He gave me this life and He can take it away. I am 99% sure that Devin is supposed to be in the RCMP and I am supposed to be in this Kindergarten job for now, and we are supposed to be in this friendly, lovely little community in Gravelbourg. The hopeless discontent has lifted, and feelings of joy and peace has taken over.
I don't feel the need to make an official resolution for 2012, but I do have goals and hopes. I most definitely want to draw nearer to God and resist the Devil and flee from the temptation to be discontent and unhappy with my most blessed and wonderful life.
Some of my hopes for 2012:
1. I hope to become a mother, whether through natural birth or adoption.
2. I hope to receive even more peace from God about everything: infertility, marriage, where we live, jobs, money etc.
3. I hope to be healthier by the end of the year. I would truly like to do more vigorous excercise and learn how to make new and healthier recipes, and get enough sleep, and lose some weight.
4. I hope to improve my "friendship skills" by being more hospitable and being the first to call or write, rather than wait for others to do so.
5. I hope to find joy in teaching Kindergarten, and that joy will overflow into the effort I put into my job.
There are more, but I think I'll leave it at this. I plan to wake up each morning this year and ask God to reveal Himself and His plan for me that day, and surrender it all to Him.
If you're reading this, I wish you a happy and blessed year to come. I pray that you find yourself in a closer relationship with God at the end of this year, and if you don't know Him yet, that you will find the joy and peace that comes with knowing and serving Him. A relationship with God is a priceless gift that makes life worth living.
God Bless you and Happy 2012.
Holly
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Snowflake Blessings
So tonight I came home from a local musical Christmas concert and was standing out on my back step after I put the dog outside. I noticed how beautifully the snow was falling. I LOVE when it falls so gently and silently, with not a breath of wind...but that's not what I was in awe about. I had this random thought pop in my head that I truly didn't know whether or not snowflakes were actually shaped like the "typical snowflake" decorations, stamps and paper cut-outs I see. So I tried to catch some flakes on my coat sleeve, and was honest-to-goodness shocked and overjoyed that these snowflakes are not just shapeless lumps of frozen water, each one that fell on my sleeve was SO unique and defined and beautiful! I have lived over 25 years, and I truly am a "stop and smell the roses" kind of person, and I have never noticed this before. I feel a bit ridiculous, but I also feel so blessed.
The connection I'm about to make might seem like a leap, but at the time, when I was standing outside in all of that beauty, it took me about 10 seconds to feel it--overwhelmed with gratitude and a feeling of being greatly blessed. My precious God, in His wonderful masterpiece called Creation, decided that snowflakes would be intricate, detailed, stunningly beautiful creations. Billions and billions of these--not one the same. So I got to thinking about how He uses something as simple as a discovery of snowflakes to point back to Him, to remind me He is still there. Even though I was crying out to Him just days before, yelling at Him to say something, or do something(!!!) He was there all along, speaking in a silent, gentle whisper, waiting for me to look up.
All this time I thought snowflakes were just ``pretty``...now I look at them falling on me and I imagine the countless blessings ``falling on me`` from God. Sometimes God seems so quiet, and I fail to notice the infinite ways I`ve been blessed, and the many ways He uses people, creation, moments to speak to me. He used something as simple as snowflakes, and I am so thankful. These are my snowflake blessings.
The connection I'm about to make might seem like a leap, but at the time, when I was standing outside in all of that beauty, it took me about 10 seconds to feel it--overwhelmed with gratitude and a feeling of being greatly blessed. My precious God, in His wonderful masterpiece called Creation, decided that snowflakes would be intricate, detailed, stunningly beautiful creations. Billions and billions of these--not one the same. So I got to thinking about how He uses something as simple as a discovery of snowflakes to point back to Him, to remind me He is still there. Even though I was crying out to Him just days before, yelling at Him to say something, or do something(!!!) He was there all along, speaking in a silent, gentle whisper, waiting for me to look up.
All this time I thought snowflakes were just ``pretty``...now I look at them falling on me and I imagine the countless blessings ``falling on me`` from God. Sometimes God seems so quiet, and I fail to notice the infinite ways I`ve been blessed, and the many ways He uses people, creation, moments to speak to me. He used something as simple as snowflakes, and I am so thankful. These are my snowflake blessings.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Results are in
So I just got back from the doctor. She told me the results of my bloodwork. The results show that everything is good. My hormones, liver, kidney, bloodsugar, etc. are all normal and fine. Honestly, I was quite surprised, I didn't think it would *all* be good. So, aside from the unknown cyst on my ovary, I've checked out alright. The next step is going to a gynecologist to possibly do a dye test to ensure there is no blockages in my fallopian tubes.
I feel good after leaving the Dr.'s office today. She made me feel at ease, and gave me confidence that maybe there's nothing so "bad" going on inside. There's still a lot of hope that it's just a timing thing, that God is up to something, and it's always something good.
I feel good after leaving the Dr.'s office today. She made me feel at ease, and gave me confidence that maybe there's nothing so "bad" going on inside. There's still a lot of hope that it's just a timing thing, that God is up to something, and it's always something good.
Meeting the Social Worker
On Monday (Dec. 5th to be exact), Devin and I went to Moose Jaw. Part 1 of the day involved going to the hospital to have Devin tested. Part 2 was us going to Social Services and meeting with the social worker we will be dealing with through the adoption process. We were in her office for nearly 3 hours going over the details of our application and what we "did and did not want" in a child. It was quite difficult, challenging and painful. She told us some of the sickening, disheartening stories of her job and it made me want to A- protect and love all of these poor babies she was talking about and B- kick some serious butt of the parents or family members who did not appreciate and love the little gems in their care. We came out of that meeting with a better sense of the reality of adoption. Now our application has been sent to CARR (I think) and it should take a week or a few weeks to hear if we have been "released". I guess to be released means we are accepted to continue on in the process and get the PRIDE training and homestudy done. PRIDE is a 9-weekend, 27 hour training program for adoptive or foster parents. I'm sure it is going to be very useful and helpful, but it saddens me that it make the process that much longer, and also Devin is JUST getting back to work, which means back to weekend work, so how we will get 9 weekends off, I do not know.
I'm still excited to see how this is all going to turn out, and see what God is up to, but it easily becomes daunting and sort of scary if we let it. I need to do a little more praying and a little less worrying.
I'm still excited to see how this is all going to turn out, and see what God is up to, but it easily becomes daunting and sort of scary if we let it. I need to do a little more praying and a little less worrying.
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