How do you say thank you?

Over the past couple of years, there were times when I was so low and feeling so hopeless about our infertility, it was all kind of a blur. I could wake up one day and just be so miserable, I didn't know how to shake it.  During those years I most definitely leaned on God, and there were times when He'd help me snap out of it and hold onto hope. But God also sent us many angels who helped us carry the burden, and made life so much better for us.

The first year we waited for a baby, it was hard, but not hopeless, and we kept it to ourselves as we didn't see it as a big problem yet. But as 12 months approached I was starting to really worry, and holding it in, and trying to deal with it alone, just was not working for me. As the doctors crawled through tests and appointments, I just about burst at the seams and finally broke down (after an embarrassing exit from church one morning) to my dear friend, Jenn. I bawled in the church parking lot while telling her we'd been waiting a year, and didn't know why. After that I started more openly telling people we were struggling. Yes, it's a personal issue, but I believe in the power of prayer and support of dear friends, and I haven't regretted sharing it.

Jenn, and countless other women and men came alongside of us and lifted us up in prayer, hugs, letters, e mails, kind words, advice, and the list goes on. It was shocking to me the number of couples I know who have struggled with infertility in some way or another. There were women who had "been there, done that" who were so encouraging to me. When I thought our friends were probably tired of hearing about it, another person would remind us how much they cared and that they were still praying. That kind of compassion just overflows your heart with warmth and love.

I don't know how to possibly thank the people who invested 2 years into our lives, who carried our burden with us, and rejoiced with delight and tears when we announced we were pregnant. These friends have treated us like family. I had never felt God's love poured out through His people in such a real and tangible way.

I am so thankful.

The Best Day

March 27th was another cold, wintery day. I woke up early with a nice dark tan and tons of laundry that needed to be done. We just got home from Cuba the night before. My friend Samantha texted me early in the morning to tell me her water broke and she was going to the hospital, and I made the mistake of looking at my phone when I got up for the washroom, and then I was too excited for her to get back to sleep.

Silly me, in all my sleepiness, I forgot to do something that I was waiting a whole week in Cuba to do...find out if I was pregnant of course! In the past 2 and a half years I've probably "tested" a good 20-30 times. Some months I didn`t even bother, and some months I was certain I was pregnant, only to be disappointed. So, I forgot. Didn't think much of it, but still wanted to test later that day since there were a few indicators that I might possibly be pregnant. One being that I felt quite nauseated all week in Cuba...which I blamed on the yucky food. And Two, the fact that I was exhausted and napped everyday in Cuba...which I blamed on the sun and heat.

So I did my best to "hold it" the rest of the morning and at 11 am when my hubby finally arose from his exhausted post-travel sleep, I tested. Within seconds I was seeing 2 faint lines, and I RAN into our bedroom and just stared at Devin and said "Oh, Devin" with my hands on my head, wide eyed. Then without another word I ran back to the bathroom and saw 2 very clear lines. After 2.5 years you don't believe your own eyes, so I ran to the bedroom, stick in hand, saying something unintelligible and asking Devin "do you see it too?!" He must have said yes, and I repetitively said "Oh my goodness", or something like that, over and over as I tackled him in a hug and bawled like a baby. He had a permanent smile on his face, and after I calmed myself a bit, he said "so what do we do now?" lol He would say something like that.

After we came down from cloud 9 we prayed with thanksgiving and gratitude for this amazing gift. And we begged God to let this baby be healthy and strong. Many times over the next few weeks I would just burst into tears of awe and thanksgiving that our wait was over and we were blessed with our baby.

How do you say thank you for a new life? Your heart's greatest desire? The child that will make you a mother and father? I still haven't figured it out yet, but I'm just praising Him every day for allowing us the opportunity to be parents and raise one of His children.

So, I'm 13.5 weeks and we are due November 25th. I can hardly wait.

1 Samuel 1:27
For this child I have prayed, and the LORD has granted the desires of my heart.

It's POSITIVE!

We never (totally) lost hope. We bought this months ago.

First time seeing our precious baby. Oh that beautiful heartbeat melted me.

My best friend and I celebrating the BEST day

 

 

The final "announcement"

How we're doing Valentine's Day

Devin and I aren't really tradition people, unless you call eating most of our meals on TV trays while watching "The Office" for the millionth time a tradition. It used to bother me that we didn't do the same thing twice, be it a birthday celebration, Easter, or even Christmas...but now I sort of like it. It mixes it up a bit, and you never know what to expect.

Valentine's Day can be heavily focused on what men can do for their women...but it's supposed to be about love, and love is mutual, so I'm often stumped about what to give or do for my sweet but manly hubby. This year, the gifts were kept to a minimum, I bought a few things I thought he would like, but when I really thought of what my man enjoys, a lightbulb turned on--food. He looooves food. So what better way to show him I love him than to make him some of his favourites?

Tonight I spent a bit of time in the kitchen making french vanilla cake with buttercream frosting, and macaroni salad (his absolute favourite food) to accompany his cheeseburgers I'll make him for supper tomorrow night. Yum!

Devin's so good at doting on me on special days. He bought me 3 and decided to give one to me each day until V-day. Yesterday he gave me a Kutless CD, tonight he gave me a beautiful red journal with bible verses on each page...totally sweet, lovely gifts. He knows how to love me with sweet gifts that he knows would be special to me, and I hope he feels loved when he fills his belly with food I made with his enjoyment in mind.

I am so blessed to spend my life with this man God has given me. We genuinely enjoy each other's company, we are best friends. He always hugs me when I'm in the kitchen making him food. He makes me laugh about 50+ times a day. I love how he rubs his knees when he's telling a story, or how he never gets warm unless we're in the car driving somewhere...then he's boiling hot. I love the way his voice sounds when he reads aloud from the Bible. I love that he pops home about 10 times a day with a hello and a hug. I love that he thinks of me first, loves me most, and tells me daily.

I love him.

2013

It's a new year, and I couldn't be happier! 2012 was hard. Particularly the final month of 2012...December was just plain hard.

But alas, it is a new year and a new day, and there is something in the air that makes people want to change, improve, move forward...myself included.

Here are some of the goals, prayers and desires I have for this year:

#1 Devin and I plan to read the Bible the whole way through by using the reading plan in our Bibles. We started off well and did our reading first thing this morning.

#2 I hope to purge and declutter our house, especially since we may be moving in a year, give or take a few months. In that process I want to give to others and free myself from the bondage of "stuff". Our home itself isn't so bad...it's that ol' basement that needs tackling.

#3 I will count my blessings...literally. I will do Ann Voskamp's Joy Dare which is to write down 1000 gifts God has blessed me with, in one year. I started this about a year ago and reached the 200's I think, but didn't complete it. This year, I'll try again.  Even if I don't get 1000, it is still not wasted time to count blessings!

#4 I will continue to believe in miracles, and pray and believe God will bless us with a child either through adoption or naturally.

Words

The power of words often amazes me. A hurtful word can cut and bruise and scar for days, weeks, or even years. A kind word from a genuine person can uplift, encourage and nourish for days, weeks or even years. Through all of this infertility business, I've had words hurt me, discourage me and embarrass me, but I've had significantly more words encourage me and give me an bit of hope to keep going with my head held high.

The past few weeks my heart has been heavy. I've heard about not 1, not 2, but 3 pregnancy announcements from people close to me...and like I told Devin today at lunch, "I just can't be happy for them anymore". I don't mean that I don't want their pregnancies to be, I do. I also don't mean I'm upset with that person, I'm not. What I mean is; the pain I feel in my own wait is clouding my vision, and if am being completely honest, the first feeling I feel when I hear of a new pregnancy is not happy. However, in saying that,  I believe pregnancy and new life is the most amazing miracle, and a true gift from God. I might not feel giggly-screeching-jump in the air-happy, but I am aware that a beautiful miracle has taken place, and that brings me joy for them. I pray frequently for Him to remove any bitterness or jealousy I'm tempted to feel, and He does. He is always faithful.

Through all of this, though, I have had the most amazing, strong women come alongside of me and pray for me and ask me daily how I'm feeling...and some of their words just stick. A friend  who could not have children at all, a dear friend who lost children to miscarriage, a sister in Christ who I have SO much in common with, but have not yet met, who waited for her daughter for a long time: These are the people whose words and prayers have literally carried me along through this trying time. Those who have "been there, done that" and are still standing. Their words mean so much to me.

Below, is part of a message sent to me by one of those dear women who just "gets it" and gets me, and her words have been replaying in my mind since I first read them a couple of days ago. They are words I have heard before, but they were spoken by someone who knows my situation, knows what it feels like, and really cares:

"You are seriously in my prayers every single day. I'm not going to say the things everyone says, like, "All in God's timing", because just because you trust God's timing, doesn't make the waiting any less painful. I will say this: once you have that little bundle in your arms, be it through IVF, or naturally, or adoption, or whatever...you'll know why you had to wait. And the memory of the waiting will grow less painful."

For whatever reason, I needed to hear those words, and I needed to feel that validation of my feelings.

I am so thankful for words. The ones that change, edify and give hope.

Thankful at Christmas

As I'm sitting here in the light of the Christmas tree, with a wonderful husband on the couch, a snoring little dog and Miracle on 34th Street on the television, I am thankful.

If I let my mind get away from me I think about how I miss my parents, my nephews, my neice, my in-laws. I also tend to think about how our home can sometimes feel a little too quiet, and it would nice to have a baby or two by now to fill it up with love and fun and noise. I'm also tempted to complain that my husband is sick with the flu at such an inconvenient time, 2 days before Christmas...

But then, I remember the mourning parents of Newtown Conneticut, and a friend from high school whose Dad passed away suddenly this morning, and the family in our town who lost their young wife/mother recently, and I am so thankful for all that I do have, and everyone I have, and most importantly--for Jesus.  Jesus' birth was only a small part of the full gospel story, but what an important part it was.

My Saviour's story began so quietly and so humbly, but His life, death, and resurrection changed the world, changed lives, and changed eternity for me and everyone else. I am so thankful for His birth, because it sadly, but inevitably led to His death; and His death and resurrection are what saved me from my sin and gave me a relationship with God for eternity. 

So, my Christmas may or may not look like a tv commercial, with 3 or 4 generations of family sitting around the table, laughing and smiling and eating a massive turkey, and we may not have our own little ones bouncing on our knee, and maybe my husband (or I) will be hovering with sickness in the bathroom, but it doesn't change the fact that Jesus' birth brought hope to a hopeless world, and a chance to have a relationship with God that would last forever. It also doesn't change the fact that I am beyond blessed to be able to celebrate this Christmas with my sweet, amazing husband, as well as some of our very best friends and their children and grandchildren. We will not be hugging our own babies, but the beautiful babies and children we've grown to love as our own family.

This Christmas, I'm choosing to count the abundant blessings God has poured into my life. I'm thanking Him for Jesus, family, friends, good health, and hope.

Misery

As a christian woman who daily recognizes that God has bestowed amazing blessings on my life, and who knows the verse in James that tells us to "Count it all joy", I have a very hard time with feelings of sadness and misery. The Lord gave us a range of feelings and emotions, but if I feel or express feelings of anything but happiness, I feel guilty. The truth is, I am on a medication that is MESSING ME UP. My hormones are everywhere, I want to scream, cry and punch a hole in the wall one moment, and laugh and dance the next. I'm having hot flashes and waking up many times a night as if menopausal, and all of this is going on while I'm fighting the misery of infertility. We've been waiting 2 and a half years, and I don't kid when I say that I learn of a new pregnancy of a friend or aquaintance at least every month. In fact, sometimes they are announced within days of eachother. Each and every one sends me to my knees praying that God will take any jealousy or bitterness I'm tempted to feel, and begging Him not to let me fall into a week or two of darkness, which sometimes happens.

The Bible talks a lot about infertile women. This brings me some comfort because it makes me feel #1-like God sees the pain we're enduring, and He cares. And #2- The women who were infertile were not happy about it. Some might even call them miserable.

1 Samuel 1:9-15 [emphasis mine]

⁹ Once after a sacrificial meal at Shiloh, Hannah got up and went to pray. Eli the priest was sitting at his customary place beside the entrance of the Tabernacle.^{[d] 10} Hannah was in deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord. ¹¹ And she made this vow: “O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime, and as a sign that he has been dedicated to the Lord, his hair will never be cut.^[e]”

¹² As she was praying to the Lord, Eli watched her. ¹³ Seeing her lips moving but hearing no sound, he thought she had been drinking. ¹⁴ “Must you come here drunk?” he demanded. “Throw away your wine!”
¹⁵ “Oh no, sir!” she replied. “I haven’t been drinking wine or anything stronger. But I am very discouraged, and I was pouring out my heart to the Lord. ¹⁶ Don’t think I am a wicked woman! For I have been praying out of great anguish and sorrow.”

I don't really need to write much more here. Hannah said it all quite nicely. There are days, and even weeks when I feel just fine. I feel patient and at ease, and fully trusting in Him. Then there are days when I'm not sure if my trust has waivered, but something in my heart changes and I feel this anguish, bitter crying, sorrow, and discouragement just as Hannah described.

Thank You, God, for not leaving Hannah in her sorrow. I also know you have not left Devin and I.

1 Samuel 1:17-20 [emphasis mine]

¹⁷ Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”
¹⁸ She said, “May your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.
¹⁹ Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the Lord remembered her. ²⁰ So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel,^[b] saying, “Because I asked the Lord for him.”

There is something about God's Word that changes me so completely and wholly. I started this blog post from a place of deep longing and sadness, and am ending it feeling a renewed sense of hope and assurance. I am so thankful.

And one more passage to end on...

Psalm 121:1-8
¹ I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
² My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

⁷ The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
⁸ the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.