My mother-in-law

I would think that most blogs entitled "My mother-in-law" would have many people thinking thoughts of intrusive, nagging, not-so-pleasant mother-in-laws that sometimes make life difficult for their daughter-in-laws. Let me just say the woman I'm so blessed to call my mom-in-law is absolutely NOTHING like that.

Jocelyn is a dear, thoughtful, gentle, patient, ROCK of a woman. She raised the best (most handsome) man I've ever met and she loves me like her own. She cares, with deep selflessness, for her husband, daughter and 2 grandchildren, and for Devin and I from afar. She has offered prayers and words of encouragement through our struggle with infertility, and respectfully and gently asks questions and gives a bit of advice.

Tonight, she called me to tell me that she has been reading and enjoying my blog, and encouraged me to continue writing. She just has a way of pointing out the little details, talents or qualities of people,  that others may overlook.

Jocelyn, if you`re reading this, just know how great you are, and how much I appreciate you. You are loved!

Joy Overflows

What a day. There is nothing overly extraordinary about today, but BOY am I joyful. This morning at church, during announcements and prayer requests, I could just feel His presence there. I announced about my thyroid issues and how hopeful I was that when it is fixed, we just may conceive. Then Jenn announced the amazing miracle of Brielle's healed heart valve. In less than 3 months God touched that little girls heart and healed her. We are all so thankful. Then Tim announced about his baby neice, Genova, who suffered a stroke in utero, but who is doing so well, and appears quite healthy. So many miracles, so many signs of His presence, His answers. Although I always have, and always will believe in God, it is just so much easier to believe when I really see Him moving in answered prayers and miracles. I need to keep my eyes open because I'm sure I miss a lot of answers and signs. My heart is overflowing with joy and thanksgiving to my precious Lord.

This song below, "Your Name" by Phillips, Craig and Dean really speaks the words of my heart today. Have a listen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKC67SglaZo

The Simple Life

I sometimes forget how good simplicity feels. When I was a kid I loved such simple things like walking in the woods, climbing a tree or going for a swim in the river down the road. I think I have longed for that ever since childhood and I look for it wherever I can. I find simplicity when I read a book outside on a blanket, when I take the dog for a walk, when I sit by the ocean, when I photograph a sunset, or when Devin and I go camping in a simple tent and eat simple meals and simply read, swim, or sit by the fire.

 Last weekend we went to Lake Deifenbaker and dwelled in simplicity. During the day we slept late (for tenting anyway), made bacon and egg breakfasts on our camping stove and read our books by the morning fire. Then we'd pack up our books, lawn chairs, pool noodles, towels and camera and walk the short hike to the beach where we would hang out for hours. We read by the water until we were hot, then swam out deep with our pool noodles and waded in the wavey water. There is such beauty in that simplicity. In the evening we'd make hot dogs or a grilled cheese sandwich on the stove and Devin would make a roaring fire, and we would chat about spiritual, future, or "just life" things. We'd read our books some more, and when the fire started to settle down, I would roast a few marshmallows.  Aside from the intense thunderstorms that kept us awake at night, I felt like I could have stayed there a month. I enjoyed the simplicity and majesty (all at once) of nature, of just being with my husband, of no electricity or electronics, of enjoying a good book with no distractions. I love the simple life!

Faith *during* the trials, not just after

This morning at our church service, our friend, Jeff, led a great discussion on patience and waiting and posed a question about whether or not your faith is strengthened during waiting periods. Someone answered by saying they believed your faith isn't really strengthened until you see the result of what you were waiting for. I immediately disagreed (in my head!). We have been trying to conceive for 2 years and at about the 6-12 month mark of trying I may have agreed at that time that I would not have increased or strengthened faith in God until *after* I finally got pregnant. But I was SO wrong. Through tears and prayer and digging in the Word I have come MILES from where I began by God's amazing grace and comfort. I went from grumbling to gratitude for my infertility because I would not know my God the way I know Him, or love Him the same if I hadn't endured a trialsome 2 years. (I used to think Paul was a little crazy for such gratitude even when he went through so much...now I sort of understand!)

Infertility has (in various degrees and stages) made me feel like less of a woman, made me feel as if I did something wrong or something to deserve it, made me feel bitter, angry, hurt, resentful, jealous, depressed, irritable, unfaithful, undeserving...but I am now at a point of saying "thank you Lord" for this trying time. It does not mean I don't cry at negative pregnancy tests or when another friend announces her pregnancy. It also does not mean I don't have days when I say "Lord, when is it our turn? What are you up to? Why not now?" But the way my faith has grown, and the feeling of complete assurance that God is up to something and not leaving me in the dust makes all the difference. Before I used to say "it's all in His timing", but my heart didn't believe in His timing. Now, it does. I do believe His timing, and I have gained a lot more patience knowing that He is going to bless us with children. I'm not sure how I know this exactly, but I know. It's just a matter of time...His time.

So, no, we haven't met the end of our trial. Our patience is still being tested, but my faith has, and continues to, grow and blossom while I wait upon the Lord. I can only imagine the overflow of gratitude, joy and increased faith that will come when we finally meet our child(ren).

Is Anything too Hard for the Lord?

Woke up this morning, thinking "3 days late, might as well test". I go some months without testing at all, but sometimes I feel different, and since I'm going camping all weekend, there's no time like the present.  As per usual, this (below) is what I see. (FYI. this is from Google)

This is probably the 30th + time I have seen this answer in the last 2 years, but sometimes I remember to keep my focus fully on God, and I remember to pray before I test for Him to guard my heart no matter what the test result is. He listened, and He did guard my heart. I did not feel my heart breaking in my chest, I did not break down and cry. I actually whispered a prayer of thanks for the chance to trust Him and His plan once again. I went and picked up a daily devotional right after, hoping for a bit of inspiration I suppose. Out of 365 pages I opened up to one called "God's Promises".

(From "The One Year Mini" daily devotional. "page" November 3rd)

God's promises seem too impossible for me, how could they ever come true in my life?
God's Response
Abraham bowed down to the ground, but he laughed to himself in disbelief. "How could I become a father at the age of one hundred?" he wondered. "Besides, Sarah is ninety; how could she have a baby?" . . . "Is anything too hard for the Lord? About a year from now, just as I told you, I will return, and Sarah will have a son". . . Then the Lord did exactly what he had promised [emphasis mine]. Sarah became pregnant, and she gave a son to Abraham in his old age. It all happened at the time God had said it would. Genesis 17:17; 18:14; 21:1-2

The devotional went on to say how we are to live faithfully, and God will worry about how He will fulfill His promises to us, it's not our job to worry. It also says that He will lead us to unexpected and incredible places.  I don't believe in coincidences, I believe God places things like this devotional, or people, or Scriptures, or even the beauty of nature in our path to encourage us and remind us "I'm right here, I haven't left you".  Lord, THANK YOU.

On a different, but not unrelated note, I got a call from my fertility specialist Dr. a couple of days ago, and told me I have a low functioning or underactive thyroid, Hmm! So interesting.The reason why it's interesting is because at my last appointment when he told me I had to go for more bloodwork to check a few hormones, I, out of the blue, asked him to check my thyroid one more time. So he did, and sure enough, it's not working properly. I knew that an overactive or underactive thyroid can be a reason for many problems, one being infertility. After doing further reading online, I'm now seeing it's very closely connected and throws off hormones. Of course, after speaking to my Doctor, thoughts race through my mind. "Is this IT? Is this the reason I can't get pregnant?" "Did I ask the Doctor about my thyroid because God is showing me an answer?" "Is THIS the answer?"

I will be seeing my family Doctor soon and she is going to prescribe medication for my thyroid. My heart is full of hope that when my thyroid function is corrected, we may conceive. While hypothyroidism may be bad news for some people, I am grateful to have a hint at a possible reason for why we're not getting pregnant.

God sweats the small stuff

I hear people say this a lot, and I'm sure I have too, that sometimes we don't think we should pray for "small stuff" because God has enough to take care of, and our "small problems" are nothing compared to the world's larger ones. Well, God is Almighty, Omnipotent, Omnipresent and All Good...He can do anything He wants and He has no problem listening to our heart's woes no matter how small we think they are. It's such a relief!

This past week my sweet dog, Rudy, was literally "sick as a dog". She started vomiting in the middle of the night, and did so probably every 30 minutes for the next 24 hours. She couldn't even keep a drop of water down, she was lifeless, she was starting to shake with what I assume was a fever. My sweet, vibrant pup was acting like a dying old dog. After a sleepless night with her and a busy week working at VBS, my emotions were getting to me and I was genuinely starting to worry. The VBS theme was "everything is possible with God", and we reminded the kids that no matter what, they can trust God. Even though that message was for the kids, it reminded me to do the same.

Around 6:30 Rudy vomited again, she immediately drank water because she was so dehydrated. So even though I felt slightly silly, I put my hands on her and I pleaded for God to let this water stay down and rehydrate her body. Well, she fell asleep on me for 3 solid hours and didn`t get up once to vomit. Every hour that passed, I praised God for hearing my prayer and helping my little Rudy. By the time we went to bed she still hadn`t vomited since 6:30. In the middle of the night she went to the tub to get a drink, but drank too much, too fast, and threw it up, but that was the last time. The next morning, she was more vibrant and was sniffing for food. She ate a few bites of food and her tail was finally curled again. I was, and am, SO thankful! Ì`m not sure what was wrong with her, but God healed her!

I think we are quick to miss God in the small stuff (or even the big). When people are sick, doctors and medicine are there to test and medicate and soothe them so when they become healthy again, it is sometimes assumed it was from their medical care. However, with a dog, you can`t force the proper fluids, pills or food into them no matter how hard you try, they just suffer through it. So when I saw this drastic turnaround with Rudy`s health, I knew God was working.

To some people, a dog is a dog. Rudy is often very hyper when we have guests and she licks way too much. But when it`s just Devin and I, she is cuddly, calm, sleepy, playful and adorable. She follows me around the house and sometimes even sits on the bath mat and waits for me as I shower. She knows when I`ve taken something out of the fridge to dice or chop and she`s standing right underneath me waiting for a prize to drop. She prefers me most of the time, but will only sleep comfortably with Devin. She is such a special little part of our house. I like to think that God knows how special she is to us, and He spared her from whatever this illness was.  God reveals himself in such interesting ways. He has once again shown me how much He loves me.

2 years

This post is not about a happy celebration of 2 years for a birthday or anniversary or great life event. This 2 years I'm writing about is about a wait. A wait to be a mother, a wait for my husband to become a father. 2 years ago, this month, Devin and I both felt it was the right time to start trying to have a child. (I now feel a bit of irritation towards the phrase "start trying", but that's a different story). With stars in our eyes and baby names on our mind we thought "oh, it might take 2 or 3 months, but this year, we will have our very own baby! Now, I don't want to sound jaded and bitter, because, by the grace of God and through His strength, I'm actually not. God has kept my heart soft these past 2 years, though many months I wanted to harden it and spit at the world and isolate myself. He has humbled me, blessed me and reminded me that He is not punishing me...He is right here.

In the life of a woman waiting to have a baby, everything is cut up into month long intervals. So there is week one of the month, when you know you're not pregnant, but are hopeful for week 2 because "this might be the month". Then week 2 and 3 are the exciting, uncertain times. Hopeful and nervous, you wait for test time. Then by that 4th week you can't wait to test to see if this is the month. You drive yourself nuts trying not to test too early, but wanting to know this minute, but being afraid of a negative, while trying to believe it will be a positive. OIE! So then you test, and the nasty mean screen on the digital tests say clear as day "Not Pregnant" (ouch). The non-digital ones are a little less mean as they either have one line or two...at least you don't see the word "not". And depending on my mood that month, I cry and cry and cry. Sometimes I keep a brave face for awhile, and then cry later, or the next day. Sometimes (but very seldom) I feel pretty good. Frustrated and a little sad, but I think my expectations were already a bit low, so I didn't have far to fall. On the months where I was certain I had symptoms of pregnancy, the let down was severe and affected me for days. 

So, in 2 years time, I have had a lot of jabs and stabs to my heart, but with every healed wound I feel stronger and closer to God through all of this. Every negative test, every pregnancy announcement, every baby shower...they all hurt deeply. I look at the 2 year old children in our church and realize their age represents the amount of time I have been longing. I look around and see almost every single young woman I am friends with in Gravelbourg (and many back home in NS) who have had babies in the past 2 years. I've almost lost count. I am working, struggling and begging everyday for God to keep me from jealousy, depression and bitterness. Some weeks are easier than others. Oddly enough, I have more hope for my future than I did even a year ago. The unknown is scary, but I'd rather have my future in God's hands then my own.


**Just need to edit to add another thought or two
After re-reading the post I just wrote, I thought "wow, I sound like a sad, sad woman, maybe I should edit what I wrote". Then I reminded myself that it is OK that I am sad sometimes, and I will not pretend not to be. Since telling people about our struggle to conceive, we have had a lot of advice...some good, some bad, some terrible.

The advice I never want to hear again is "don't worry about it so much and it will happen." My response to this is:
#1 I am longing for a child, it's not worry, it's longing. It's natural, it's Biblical, and as long as I'm relying on God and trusting him during this time, I am justified in my longing and even a bit of sadness here and there.

#2 I don't sit around my home and pine for the day I will be pregnant. I have a busy, full life...but in those moments of down time, I have time to think about it, and it hurts a bit...but this hurt (or as some say, worry) is not what is preventing me from getting pregnant, and it is very insensitve when people say it is.

I believe in God and His plans for me more than I ever did 2 years ago, and I look forward to the day when I'm on "the other side" of this hard time. But for now I will trust Him.