Words

The power of words often amazes me. A hurtful word can cut and bruise and scar for days, weeks, or even years. A kind word from a genuine person can uplift, encourage and nourish for days, weeks or even years. Through all of this infertility business, I've had words hurt me, discourage me and embarrass me, but I've had significantly more words encourage me and give me an bit of hope to keep going with my head held high.

The past few weeks my heart has been heavy. I've heard about not 1, not 2, but 3 pregnancy announcements from people close to me...and like I told Devin today at lunch, "I just can't be happy for them anymore". I don't mean that I don't want their pregnancies to be, I do. I also don't mean I'm upset with that person, I'm not. What I mean is; the pain I feel in my own wait is clouding my vision, and if am being completely honest, the first feeling I feel when I hear of a new pregnancy is not happy. However, in saying that,  I believe pregnancy and new life is the most amazing miracle, and a true gift from God. I might not feel giggly-screeching-jump in the air-happy, but I am aware that a beautiful miracle has taken place, and that brings me joy for them. I pray frequently for Him to remove any bitterness or jealousy I'm tempted to feel, and He does. He is always faithful.

Through all of this, though, I have had the most amazing, strong women come alongside of me and pray for me and ask me daily how I'm feeling...and some of their words just stick. A friend  who could not have children at all, a dear friend who lost children to miscarriage, a sister in Christ who I have SO much in common with, but have not yet met, who waited for her daughter for a long time: These are the people whose words and prayers have literally carried me along through this trying time. Those who have "been there, done that" and are still standing. Their words mean so much to me.

Below, is part of a message sent to me by one of those dear women who just "gets it" and gets me, and her words have been replaying in my mind since I first read them a couple of days ago. They are words I have heard before, but they were spoken by someone who knows my situation, knows what it feels like, and really cares:

"You are seriously in my prayers every single day. I'm not going to say the things everyone says, like, "All in God's timing", because just because you trust God's timing, doesn't make the waiting any less painful. I will say this: once you have that little bundle in your arms, be it through IVF, or naturally, or adoption, or whatever...you'll know why you had to wait. And the memory of the waiting will grow less painful."

For whatever reason, I needed to hear those words, and I needed to feel that validation of my feelings.

I am so thankful for words. The ones that change, edify and give hope.

Thankful at Christmas

As I'm sitting here in the light of the Christmas tree, with a wonderful husband on the couch, a snoring little dog and Miracle on 34th Street on the television, I am thankful.

If I let my mind get away from me I think about how I miss my parents, my nephews, my neice, my in-laws. I also tend to think about how our home can sometimes feel a little too quiet, and it would nice to have a baby or two by now to fill it up with love and fun and noise. I'm also tempted to complain that my husband is sick with the flu at such an inconvenient time, 2 days before Christmas...

But then, I remember the mourning parents of Newtown Conneticut, and a friend from high school whose Dad passed away suddenly this morning, and the family in our town who lost their young wife/mother recently, and I am so thankful for all that I do have, and everyone I have, and most importantly--for Jesus.  Jesus' birth was only a small part of the full gospel story, but what an important part it was.

My Saviour's story began so quietly and so humbly, but His life, death, and resurrection changed the world, changed lives, and changed eternity for me and everyone else. I am so thankful for His birth, because it sadly, but inevitably led to His death; and His death and resurrection are what saved me from my sin and gave me a relationship with God for eternity. 

So, my Christmas may or may not look like a tv commercial, with 3 or 4 generations of family sitting around the table, laughing and smiling and eating a massive turkey, and we may not have our own little ones bouncing on our knee, and maybe my husband (or I) will be hovering with sickness in the bathroom, but it doesn't change the fact that Jesus' birth brought hope to a hopeless world, and a chance to have a relationship with God that would last forever. It also doesn't change the fact that I am beyond blessed to be able to celebrate this Christmas with my sweet, amazing husband, as well as some of our very best friends and their children and grandchildren. We will not be hugging our own babies, but the beautiful babies and children we've grown to love as our own family.

This Christmas, I'm choosing to count the abundant blessings God has poured into my life. I'm thanking Him for Jesus, family, friends, good health, and hope.

Misery

As a christian woman who daily recognizes that God has bestowed amazing blessings on my life, and who knows the verse in James that tells us to "Count it all joy", I have a very hard time with feelings of sadness and misery. The Lord gave us a range of feelings and emotions, but if I feel or express feelings of anything but happiness, I feel guilty. The truth is, I am on a medication that is MESSING ME UP. My hormones are everywhere, I want to scream, cry and punch a hole in the wall one moment, and laugh and dance the next. I'm having hot flashes and waking up many times a night as if menopausal, and all of this is going on while I'm fighting the misery of infertility. We've been waiting 2 and a half years, and I don't kid when I say that I learn of a new pregnancy of a friend or aquaintance at least every month. In fact, sometimes they are announced within days of eachother. Each and every one sends me to my knees praying that God will take any jealousy or bitterness I'm tempted to feel, and begging Him not to let me fall into a week or two of darkness, which sometimes happens.

The Bible talks a lot about infertile women. This brings me some comfort because it makes me feel #1-like God sees the pain we're enduring, and He cares. And #2- The women who were infertile were not happy about it. Some might even call them miserable.

1 Samuel 1:9-15 [emphasis mine]

⁹ Once after a sacrificial meal at Shiloh, Hannah got up and went to pray. Eli the priest was sitting at his customary place beside the entrance of the Tabernacle.^{[d] 10} Hannah was in deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord. ¹¹ And she made this vow: “O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime, and as a sign that he has been dedicated to the Lord, his hair will never be cut.^[e]”

¹² As she was praying to the Lord, Eli watched her. ¹³ Seeing her lips moving but hearing no sound, he thought she had been drinking. ¹⁴ “Must you come here drunk?” he demanded. “Throw away your wine!”
¹⁵ “Oh no, sir!” she replied. “I haven’t been drinking wine or anything stronger. But I am very discouraged, and I was pouring out my heart to the Lord. ¹⁶ Don’t think I am a wicked woman! For I have been praying out of great anguish and sorrow.”

I don't really need to write much more here. Hannah said it all quite nicely. There are days, and even weeks when I feel just fine. I feel patient and at ease, and fully trusting in Him. Then there are days when I'm not sure if my trust has waivered, but something in my heart changes and I feel this anguish, bitter crying, sorrow, and discouragement just as Hannah described.

Thank You, God, for not leaving Hannah in her sorrow. I also know you have not left Devin and I.

1 Samuel 1:17-20 [emphasis mine]

¹⁷ Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”
¹⁸ She said, “May your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.
¹⁹ Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the Lord remembered her. ²⁰ So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel,^[b] saying, “Because I asked the Lord for him.”

There is something about God's Word that changes me so completely and wholly. I started this blog post from a place of deep longing and sadness, and am ending it feeling a renewed sense of hope and assurance. I am so thankful.

And one more passage to end on...

Psalm 121:1-8
¹ I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
² My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

⁷ The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
⁸ the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

A Great Morning

I consider it a great morning when I come down the stairs after waking up, to my husband rocking in the recliner, listening to the "Holly" Christmas channel on the satellite radio. And then? Then he suggests we put up the Christmas tree! (It's only November 29th by the way). So while he fetches the tree from the basement, I start breakfast, because that makes me feel more "Christmassy", ya know?

As I finish up our omlettes and toast, Devin is fluffing out the tree branches. We sit down and eat, I just had to have egg nog with my meal, then we continue to fluff out the branches together. Next, of course, comes the lights, tinsel/rope, decorations, and that beautiful shiney star on top.,,perfect.

That is what I call a great morning.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I begin my first round of Clomid, which is an ovulation-inducing agent. It has been over 2 years since we started trying to get pregnant, and I have learned some priceless lessons during that time. During the dark times I was not grateful for the pain of waiting for a child, but now? Now, I couldn't be more blessed. To know that my sweet Lord hasn't left me, but has used these 2 years to draw me closer to Him than I could ever imagine. Thank You, Lord for making me wait for my heart's greatest desire, so that I could realize that You are my heart's greatest desire; everything else follows after.

From the vast amount of women I've spoken to about Clomid, it is a highly successful drug for achieving pregnancy. I am grateful for this medicine that may help us, but I'm not thanking the medicine if I get pregnant. I will be fully aware that God, alone gave us the blessing of a child.

Truthfully, I'm nervous about taking Clomid. I'm afraid of putting my hope in this drug over putting my hope in God for our children. So my prayer is that I will remain thankful for the help of medicine and science, but always, always, always put my hope fully in God in every situation.

^{Job 1:21}
He said, “I came naked from my mother’s womb, and I will be naked when I leave.
The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away.
Praise the name of the Lord!”

Choose to see

Awestruck.

That is how I feel when I take time to look around me. Today would have been just a tiresome, regular Tuesday had I not taken time to look around. To look for the good and perfect gifts from our Father. I don't credit myself in remembering to look around, it is a working of His Holy Spirit in me that caused me to really see.

This is what I saw:

• My husband putting together a lunch for me as I hurriedly got ready for school this morning. And I later saw the sweet note he wrote me and tucked in my lunch bag.
• A boy in grade 1 hugging his friend to comfort him while he cried over a mistake he made, saying 'It's okay!'
• Two amazingly beautiful bucks running side by side across the highway and through a field. They were so graceful and masculine all at once - pure beauty of creation.
• A young man at the grocery store, offering to tow an elderly woman whose car was stuck in the snow.
• The sun setting on the sparkly snow in my back yard.
• The Word of God jumping off the pages to speak a new message to my heart.
• The dancing green of the Northern Lights across the sky speckled with bright stars.
• The sharing of peppermint tea, warm brownies and conversation (in pajamas, of course) with dear friends.

When I look back on my day I can't believe the gifts I was given today! And these were only the obvious ones. There is nothing typical or mundane about today or any day when you look around and choose to see the gifts.

Bread

I just realized yesterday that I get an odd pleasure from throwing out a used bread bag and opening a new one. I finally put my finger on why I like this so much, and then it hit me; Devin and I take a long time to eat a loaf of bread, and when we fly through a bunch of loaves, it usually means we have guests in our home. For a couple who lives thousands of kms from family, having guests in our home is extra meaningful and fulfilling. Sometimes the quick consumption of bread also means our family is here, either way, someone we care about is in our home, sharing toast or grilled cheese sandwiches with us...and it makes our home a home.

This weekend we had 3 wonderful girls from our youth group stay overnight in our home, and sure enough, many grilled cheese sandwiches were had. Then the following 2 nights, Michelle and Katja stayed because the weather wasn't great and they live 30 minutes away--and more bread was consumed, and more feelings of home surrounded me. I found so much joy in making meals for the girls and washing extra dishes and cup. I loved having the girly chats, the hair-doing and makeup-making and nail painting. I loved the deep conversations about life, love and faith.

It breaks my heart that Michelle and Katja will be leaving Canada to move back to Paraguay. But as I say goodbye this week to these 2 beautiful people I've come to know and love so much, I will always cherish those 3 blizzardy days we spent together making memories and breaking bread.